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I have been quite conflicted as to whether or not I was going to make this post, but alas--here I am. It was so real to me and so sweet. I think it is safe to say that the closure I have been searching for I have now found.
Sunday, started off as just a normal day. After waking Larry, Bayleigh, and I headed into town to go to the grocery store. This was a MAJOR stock up trip and we filled two carts. Granted the one cart had a tote that filled the space, but it was piled high with groceries on top of it and let's be honest....when you are shopping like that it is easier to get all of the bags into two carts vs just one. So, we get home and put the groceries away after stopping for a rushed lunch, (cold food in the truck), and before I knew it I was sleepy and headed upstairs. (Come to find out Larry and Bayleigh also crashed out on the couch and chair downstairs). My sleep was good. Very deep and clearly MUCH needed.
I had the MOST WONDERFUL dream about my papa. He was in heaven and was sitting alone in his wheel chair. He was wearing his IU hat and grey jacket and greeted me as he did most times in the nursing home. When I hugged him, it was as if I could actually feel him hug me back--it was that real. Even though he was sitting in his wheel chair and was still 89 years old, (I have heard that in heaven everyone is 30), he was 100% healthy. He was strong. He was happy. The "room" he was in was white, but not like white walls, it was pure. It was heavenly. Almost like being in the clouds, but not. It's so hard to explain, but it was just peaceful and beautiful.
I said, you made it! He said, Yep, Yep, I made it. I inquired about mamaw and he said she wasn't there with him, she was there, but just not with him. I was disappointed. I miss her. Even though I was SO young when she passed I still remember some things about her and I miss her. I then asked what happened. I kept fumbling over that question to him because I was careful not to say, how did you die. I think that would have been rude and cold. He knew exactly what I meant and said to me, I just layed down, (IDK if that is the correct form of that word), and had a stroke. Now, this has not been confirmed. The family was told that his death happened very quickly and it is believed that he either had a stroke or a heart attack. Papa had had a few mini strokes in his time and I don't know if because of him going through those lead my mind to lean more that direction or what. I know that when it first happened I just always thought heart attack, and can't explain why I thought that either. Just out of the two possibilities I just thought heart attack. ANYWAYS, so then I fumbled over my next question and I asked, How is "he". Papa replied, "He"? I said, yeah, the big guy. And papa said, "God is Good". I instantly woke up.
I KNOW God is good and was shocked that that was a question I asked. This dream was SO real. It was as if I was really there with him. I closed my eyes and tried to go back to sleep to pick up where I left off, but I was wide awake. Typically when I wake I am groggy and it takes me a minute to muster up the will to climb out of bed, but not this time. I hopped up and headed downstairs to find my sleeping angels in the chair and on the couch. :)
I miss papa so much. When I drive pass the nursing home and see the residents sitting on the porch in their wheel chairs with their families it brings back a lot of good memories with papa. I miss that. I can still hear his giggle and I still often times think of the little phrases he would say, for instance--I apologize now to anyone offended, but when Bayleigh was a baby and I would need to change her bottom I would call her over and he would look at her and say, "Did somebody shit in your drawers"? LOL! That always makes me smile. He was funny. He was witty. I remember when she was that tiny she would hear his cane tap on the sidewalk before he'd ever even BANG on the door with is cane to knock and she'd crawl as fast as she could or walk once she was to that point, and greet him at the door. Thankfully we had the chair by the door so he could easily sit because she'd be pawing at this legs to brace herself for standing. After sitting, she would go straight for the cane. He thought that was funny. He even brought her over his old wooden cane to keep and play with, and she did, but it didn't slow down her love for his metal one. :) Ironically, Bayleigh is the age that I was when mamaw died. I don't have a lot of memories that are fresh in my head of mamaw, but I can remember bits and pieces. As of now, Bayleigh still remembers papa and certain things that even I have forgotten. I hope she keeps the memories forever because she certainly thought the world of that man, and he certainly thought the world of her too. :)
Please note his grey jacket and IU hat. :)He really was a cute old man. ;)
Thanks for checking in with us.
Love,
Jenn
Today was my big day meeting the surgeon. I know this may sound confusing, but I walked out there 110% scared to death and feeling comfortable all in the same. Let me explain...
Wait, let me tell you my frustrations first. So, I get there at 10:30 for my 11:00 appointment. This hospital is huge and basically a maze. I finally found the place I was looking for and get signed in. The waiting room was full, but come to find out there were only 3 patients in front of me. The rest were family members there for their support. I went alone so that Larry didn't have to burn a day of vacation because he is going to need them for the surgery. So, I am there at 10:30 and they took 2 of the 3 patients back not too long after I sit. Then....the HOURS pass....YES HOURS! The one family was taken in not long before I finally was and they mentioned their appointment was at 11 as well. At 1 O'Clock they took me back. At 1:30 the nurse practioner comes back and then the doctor at some point. Needless to say, I was FINALLY leaving there at 2:30. I guess 2 people called off and they were just backed up. HOWEVER--I cannot complain because even though they were hours behind I never 1 time felt rushed. I felt like the doctor did a great job explaining to me my options and really listened to me. My experience was good. SO, if that is the reason that he was so late getting to me because he did the same for the patients ahead of me--I can't really be mad about that.
So, I explain everything I have been going through from the beginning and he tells me that I do indeed have Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction and gave me my options. 1. I could wait it out and try different meds, but because I've already tried a couple he didn't really feel I would benefit much from that. or 2. I can have a stent put in the Sphincter of Oddi muscle to prevent it from tightening up.
Now, comes the scary part....So, he is explaining to me that the pancreas is a very sensitive organ. When he puts the stent in he has to shoot a dye into the pancreas to make sure that there are no tumors and that the ducts are all working properly. By doing so this increases the risk of Pancreatitis.
Pancreatitis Definition:
Pancreatitis is an inflammation of the pancreas, an organ that is important in digestion. Pancreatitis can be acute (beginning suddenly, usually with the patient recovering fully) or chronic (progressing slowly with continued, permanent injury to the pancreas).
Then he proceeds to tell me that I am already high risk for Pancreatitis because I have S.O.D, I am a young woman (28), and I am a woman. He said that he can tell me that I am WORST CASE SENERIO. GREEEEEEEEAT! Here's the problem...and let me quote him word for word, "Jennifer, Pancreatitis can kill you". I immediately teared up, only because 1. My thoughts instantly went to the most wonderful 5 year old in the world. I want so badly to watch her grow up into the beautiful woman I know she will be. and 2. I am terrified of death. I know that he had to tell me this, but just his tone and the way he said it made me believe that since he had JUST told me I was high risk/worst case senerio (for pancreatitis) that he wanted to make SURE that I knew this. Which explains that when I told him earlier in our conversation that August 2nd I had an attack and literally thought I was dying, his reply was, "you very well could have been". I am assuming that this means that my attacks now have a name of Pancreatitis. SO, on my way home I am thinking, if Pancreatitis can kill me then there is a chance I could die with or without the surgery. My risk of getting pancreatitis is 10%, which he said IS high.
On a plus side, he did say that there is a study being conducted with a medicine that is having great success that helps prevent getting pancreatitis after the surgery and I would qualify 100% to get that medicine and that it is administered through my IV before or during surgery, (I can't remember). YES, I will partaking in that study. :)
After the doctor left the room I was still shaken up over the whole idea of death and I asked the nurse practioner if I got Pancreatitis if there is anything, (meds), that can be done to fix it. She said NO. The pancreas will have to rest and to do this they will keep me doped up, (not her words of course), and take care of me through my IV. No food at all. The doctor did mention that he has seen it last up to 6 days. HOLY COW! I can barely stand an attack for 6 seconds, let alone 6 DAYS! GEEZE! She did say that I.U. is the #1 hospital in the nation for this surgery and that Dr. Fogel performs this surgery 3-4 times each week. She assured me that if Dr. Fogel didn't feel he could help me he would not have offered the surgery as an option. That truly made me feel 100 times better. Had I not heard her say that, I honestly might have called between now and then and cancelled the surgery.
September 13th will be my big day. I have to be there at 10:30 and the surgery is at 12:30. It will last 1 hour to 1 1/2 hours. After that, because I have to be knocked out completely due to the severeity of my attacks, I will have to go to recovery for an hour. THIS will determine if I stay or if I go....SO, if I wake up and I have an attack--boom, I've got pancreatitis, and I am his--that's what the doctor said meaning I stay. If I wake from surgery and I do well during recovery I get to come home. I have already made up my mind that I will be taking Monday the 13th and Tuesday the 14th off and then we will go from there. The fact of the matter is....I can't afford to take off work. Granted, after tomorrow we will be in a MUCH better place financially, but still, I will be putting too many people out as well.
I know that Heather and Donna both have things covered on their ends and have been ABSOLUTELY AMAZING, but Melanie doesn't really have a lot of options and she stresses when "feathers get ruffled". That's not really a good way to explain Mel, I just mean that this will become something that is sressful to her as well. I don't want to put her out either. Not to mention we have Bayleigh that must continue with school. My friends and family have all offered to help. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.
I would like to thank everyone for their prayers and I do ask that you continue to pray for me. Pray that all goes well and that Pancreatitis is not in my future. :) Please pray that after this is all said and done my daughter still has a mother and my husband still has his wife. :) Thank you for all your support. I will be sure to keep you posted.
Much Love,
Jennifer
**note to my readers: Larry knows about this blog I keep, but has not one clue how to access it. He doesn't do much on the computer other than surf the net for specific subjects and then he is done. In the event of something major happening to me--(which it won't, because I am remaining positive), someone please let him know how to get here and please make sure that they both know I love them more than life it's self. As Bayleigh gets older--please make sure she knows how to access this as well. :)
So, We are officially through the first half of the first full week of Kindergarten and let me just say....it sucks! Well, that is over exaggerated slightly so let me explain. Bayleigh LOVES, LOVES, LOVES Kindergarten. She LOVES Mrs. Dalley. She LOVES the work. She LOVES it all. Her papers that she has brought home so far are all WONDERFUL. She is doing great. Our problem is that the biggest reason Bayleigh would not do well in Full day Kindergarten is that she is a napper. She NEEDS her sleep. If she doesn't get a nap, our evenings flow down the drain as quickly as Niagra Falls falls! SERIOUSLY! She is a melting puddle of emotions by 5 or 6 in the evening. I feel like I am constantly on her case and getting easily frustrated with her sassiness and her emotional break downs. SO, her little friend from school has been coming home with her each day and so therefore, no naps. I am SO torn as to what to do. I feel like I shouldn't make her lay down because her friend is here and she doesn't take naps, but then I feel like each of us are robbed of our evenings when she doesn't nap. AND, I think to myself...Next year is all day, so she is going to have to get used to no naps at some point so why not start now????? I simpily just DO NOT know what the right decision is here. I am hoping that in a few weeks we can figure all of this out and get some sort of routine in place that works for all of us. Hey, one can hope right?!
On the plus side, Bayleigh has really been working on reading. She is great this summer, but now she is really doing well. Kim let us borrow her Hooked on Phonics set and below are a couple of pictures of Bayleigh reading one of the books to Trent this morning. They both loved it.
Also, tonight me and two friends went to Starbucks and just spent mommy time away for a little bit. When I came home Larry was fixing milkshakes for the two of them and I thought that was just so sweet. Below is a picture of them enjoying their shakes. :) <3 My LOVES!
Until next time friends!!!
Love,
Jenn
This past Friday, August 13th would have been my friend Candi Crouch's birthday. It was a sad day, but a happy sad. My day started off like this....Larry sets his alarm each night and tests it to make sure it's loud enough. I mean it is SCREAMING LOUD! This funniest thing is.....I NEVER hear it in the morning. I always sleep right through it. Well Friday, my alarm went off and as I was getting ready to hit snooze I heard something that caused me to wake up a little more than I would have had I not heard it. It was Larry's alarm playing music, but not just any music--it was playing Strawberry Fields Forever by the Beatles--Candi's LOVE! I found myself crying laying there thinking about her. The strangest thing about it, when I told Larry what happened, he swore to me he turn his alarm off, which he typically does every morning AND, it wasn't loud like it is to wake him up. It was as quiet as the voice on the other end of a phone conversation. Then later in the afternoon I got a text message from a status update from Twitter. I NEVER read them, just "x" out of them when they pop up because they happen so often and to be honest--I could care less. I just don't know how to stop them. The Twitter update was from a Hailey Glassman (I think that's how you spell her name), she's the girl that date Jon Gosselin from Jon and Kate +8, her status update said, "The Beatles got it right, Let it Be". It pretty much sent cold chills down my back. I don't think these were things that "just" happened. I believe in my heart that it is Candi telling me she OK. I mean picture her walking through Strawberry Fields--That's such a beautiful, peaceful thought.
I miss Candi greatly. I started watching Colin when he was 3 months old, he's now almost 7. I grew up with Danny my whole school career as well. Over this time she and I had become very close. She was my friend that would come and sit and visit every evening. I miss our talks. I miss not being able to pick up the phone and talk to her about just anything random. She was a good person. Maybe she's up there rockin' out with John Lennon. :) I know that no matter who she's hanging out with, God is taking care of her.
R.I.P. Candi
I love and miss you so much!
Love,
Jenn
Today, August 12th, 2010, Bayleigh had another dentist appointment. She goes every 6 months so nothing out of the norm. Dr. Mann said that her teeth are stain, weak, and cavity FREE! Yeah for her. They didn't do X-Rays this time since they did them in January. No loose teeth as of yet either. (She is SO bummed about that). Colin, Max, and Penelope have all lost teeth and Bayleigh doesn't think that is fair. For the last few weeks she's been saying she wants to be the tooth fairy for Halloween. I think it is a very original idea for a Kindergartener and I think she will be so cute. Of course that will be a blog in itself in October. :)
I hope that my Indiana readers and everyone else as well is staying cool in this summer heat. I personally enjoy it to no end. I would take this weather over any cold any day of the week. I know that it is dangerous and hard on outdoor pets as well, which worries me for Cooper, but he is drinking plenty and eating too. My good friend has been busting her bottom at the State and County Fairs these last few weeks and she mentioned several pigs not surviving these extreme temperatures up at the State Fair. I hate to hear that for those kids and farmers. :( When she told me that my thoughts IMMEDIATELY went to the homeless in the area. NO! I am not so cruel hearted to associate the homeless with dying pigs...I just starting thinking about how they are stuck out in the heat of the day, just like they are stuck out in the freezing winters we have as well. In the winter you hear about it more often because of the holidays and it being the season of giving. Tonight when Bayleigh and I say our prayers we will once again be sure to add them to our list and I hope you do as well. Times are TOUGH right now, especially with this economy being what it is, more and more people are losing their homes everyday. To think about it now reduces me to tears again. Sad.
I am going to cut this short and sorry for no photos tonight. It is almost 9 PM and time to start getting ready for bed. The last day of the first week of school will be here tomorrow. I survived! Bayleigh LOVES school, so here's to hoping for an amazing year! :)
Goodnight. Love,
Jenn
We survived, but not without the tears--FROM MOMMY! :) I had an extremely hard time falling asleep last night. I was just sad. Sad at the reality that Bayleigh is growing up. I am proud of her. She is happy and I am happy because of that. I am just sad for me. If you're a mommy reading this you understand exactly what I'm going through. Melanie got here a couple of minutes early so I could get my pictures of the kids and then she stayed here so that I could take Bayleigh and Colin to school today. We got there and I was good. Bayleigh of course was excited. When the doors were opened we went into the Kindergarten class only to be rushed out into the third grade hall. I guess they will go into the doors and meet in that hall each morning and then split into their classes. On the one side of the hall was all of the Kindergarteners and on the other were the First Graders. Worked out perfect so I can know that Colin and Bayleigh will be able to escort each other there each morning and then split off. Some of Bayleigh's teammates from Little League were already lined up yelling her name to say a good morning hello. It was quite cute. I left her in the line and went to turn away and seen a little first grade girl crying terribly. I felt so bad for her and wish so badly I would have consoled her as I wanted to, but was afraid to over step my bounds or that I would only upset her more with me being a stranger. As I sit here now I wish I'd have just said to her, everythings going to be OK and you have a great day. BUT I didn't. After seeing her I was shaken up a bit and turned to Bayleigh one last time and asked for a hug and told her to have a great day. She smiled, hugged me back, and told me she would. :) Then as I was walking away I seen Kylee from her ball team and she was on the verge of a major break down as well. I just told her hello and smiled at her. She forced a smile in return through tear filled eyes. The walk into the school and even the "organization" in the hallway was just plain chaotic to best describe it. Once I was outside I was talking to another gentleman coming out with me and expressed that and he agreed. I got into my truck, put it in reverse, and the tears just started flowing. I was fighting to control my tears so that I wasn't a complete blubbering mess. I didn't do too well. Even as I sat at home I would find myself tearing up during different parts of the morning. I couldn't wait to get her home and hear about her day. SHE LOVED IT! I knew she would and for this I am happy. Mrs. Dalley is an amazing teacher and I know that Bayleigh's entire year will be fun and full of great memories. SO, here are the pictures from this morning. Please excuse my photos. It was so hot and humid when we walked outside that my lens fogged up and took forever to clear.
Thanks for checking in.
Love,
Jennifer
