I am complicated...

Did I seriously just admit that I am complicated? I believe I did. This is a very personal post. I am not even sure that it will stay up long, but right now...I need a release. I feel like I am slipping into being depressed and I feel like I just need to get my feelings out without crying to my friends and dragging them down with my pain.

I used to be the type of person that felt like I needed to have numerous friends. I didn't want anyone--whether they knew me or not to be mad at me or judge me or not like me at all. I feel like, now that I am 31 years old that all of that has changed. Due to this change, I have been judged. I have even been called the "B" word, but I am SLOOOOWLY learning, that's ok. I don't try to hurt others and I don't try to be the "B" word, but I feel like that's all I do and all I am. The sad part--I don't really think I care. :/ Is that bad?

As I get older, I am learning that quantity is nothing compared to quality and therefore, some people that used to be a huge part of my life are dropping off like flies. And the sad part--I don't really think I care. :/ Is that bad?

I get tired of everyone claiming to be victims of me. Really, if I am that bad of a person, then why do you care if I am in your life or not? When I FINALLY decide to be done with people of my past, I am done. If I am such a mean and rude person then why wouldn't you want me to be done with you? This results in me being judged. SHOCKER! People are going to talk about me whether I am done with them or not, so why wouldn't I leave? Let them talk with me gone, but let me prove that I can hold onto my little self-respect that I have. Is that bad?

If I try to talk things out or be honest with my feelings then I am called names. I have even been accused of thinking I am Little Miss Perfect--UH, that's the farthest thing from the truth! That happened a while ago, but it stung, and it has stuck with me. That's the problem with words--they are easily forgiven--which those have been, but not easily forgotten, which I am pretty sure they never will be. Yes, reading this post, those words seem harmless, but of course the details of all of that drama are being left out. Not because I have anything to hide, because I certainly don't, it's just that again, those have been forgiven so I am not going to open that can of worms again.

Over the years, I have built these walls around myself and around my heart. I am slow to even hold a simple conversation with anyone because I don't know what they have been told about me and what their judgments based on what they have already heard are. A smile is about all I am good at giving and even then it's hard to look the person in the eye. It's not that I am a rude person, but I, and I express the "I" in that, don't think I am a rude person. I have just found that it is much easier now to say Goodbye than it is to say Hello. If I say Hello, then I am inviting that person in--letting people in, gets you hurt--so why do it?! Is that bad?
Pretty sure this post, is basically telling me--I am more than likely going to die one very lonely person and again, I really don't think I care. :/ Is that bad?

I have a very limited number of people in my life that I trust. I have a very limited number of people in my life that am willing to open up to. I tried to open up, not long ago, that got me NOWHERE. I got a defense for someone that the openness really had nothing to do with in the first place, which really started this whole--sadness, for lack of a better word. I guess the defense ended up being a real eye opener on just how tall these walls around me have become and that proof came from the lack of hurt from it all. Where I should have been crushed, this time I was seriously like, screw it--I am done and it came so easily. I really don't think that is bad.

I feel like those that love me, REALLY LOVE me and those that don't, heck those that don't even like me, REALLY DON'T.
I REALLY LOVE those in return. Those very few are my rocks in this very difficult world.

I guess this whole blog kinda stemmed from wondering to myself if there is something wrong with me that I feel like I have just so easily turned off my caring button in those other relationships. NOW, DO NOT GET ME WRONG--I care about people. I care about those people. I love people. I love those people. I honestly want nothing but the best and happiness for people, including those from my past, it's just that I am so sick of feeling like they are victims of ME and I am over it. They think I am so rude, judgemental, and cold hearted, then I think they really honestly do not know me in the least little way and after all of this time--they should, so I am kinda done wasting my time. Is that bad? I kinda don't think it is. They might not like me being done wasting my time, but heck they are talking now, so I am sure this decision just gives them something else to talk about. (Looks like they are a victim of Jennifer again). Darn.

I feel like I am in constant prayer over these decisions and I feel like this is the way I am being lead. I feel like, without sounding like a pity party, that these relationships can easily be made up elsewhere in these people's lives, so I think that maybe they should for the benefit of all involved. I might be wrong, but I feel like this is where it is going.

If I put my all into the quantity that I have left and they put their all in the quantity they have then everyone is full. Everyone is happy and there will be no more victims of "the B word Jennifer". Win/Win! 
Except with my win, comes a void. Remember me saying before that I don't try to hurt people? I really don't, so therefore, my void comes unfairly because even though I do seem to hurt those I love, I honestly don't mean to, buuuuuuut I get the satisfaction of knowing that I won't be their excuse to their pain, so that is a good thing for them. That's the best I can give them, but I am the one left with the voids that can't be filled, but you know what, that's OK because I am not a breakable person, even when I am...and in order to live the rest of my life without hurting those I love the most, then this is how it probably should be.


**I wrote this blog last week and never published it because I thought, maybe I am reading more into people and not giving them the benefit of the doubt. It felt good to just have the words written and it was a good release. Then something else this weekend happened and I quickly realized, I AM right! There ARE people in my life that continuously say they are victims of me! I am so sick of it!
This weekend, after church, my mother asked if she could take Bayleigh to Kroger with her. I told her no because Larry was picking us up and Bayleigh and I go to the grocery store every single Sunday together. It's our thing. Well, after Larry told Bayleigh we could go to lunch I called mom to invite her. I invited her twice because we changed our mind as to where we were going. She declined both times. After we got home, I invited her to eat dinner with us. She again declined. So I sent her a text telling her I had the feeling she was upset because I wouldn't let Bayleigh go to Kroger. She responded that she wasn't upset with anyone, but get this--she actually accused me of punishing her for her happiness with her boyfriend by keeping Bayleigh away from her!!! AND, she said she expected it! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THIS, this right here is EXACTLY why I do not trust people! THIS is why I have walls!

I am so beyond done with being the enemy and the devil in people's lives. Just because I wanted to be with my daughter and do our Sunday routine, I am punishing my own mother--and she expected it?!
I am hurt. I am angry. I really don't even know what to say, other than I am sick of it! So, if you read this blog and feel the need to only assume the worst in me, then don't read my blog. Don't dial my number. And don't talk about me. Just be done with me if that's how it's going to be. Because regardless of what you might think, when people accuse me wrongly and portray me to be a monster--it hurts!

If you love me for the PERSON that I really am--I love you too and appreciate you being a part of my life!

Love,
Jenn