Life's "Ah Ha" Moments...

Do you ever sit and think about your life and what makes you happy and or sad about it and then in return think about why they make you so happy or sad? I tend to do this a lot. I know that I lead a very wonderful life. One that is full of numerous blessings and for that I really am so thankful.

Last night, I struggled to get any sleep. My nerves are on edge because Bayleigh is starting this fast pitch team in town tonight. I am sure it will be fine and I am sure it will be fun, but I still worry. I know some of the kids on there and I just don't want any comments made to her from her peers that might belittle her or get her down. <----- my biggest fear right there too!

I kind of have girl drama of my own. I am the type of person that really puts my everything into relationships that I have. I honestly care about others and I worry what they think. I try to be a certain way around certain people because maybe in life they are more successful or maybe they make more money than us or maybe they might judge me for doing something wrong.

Well, last night and into this morning it hit me as I was supposed to be sleeping...the reason I get so hurt by others is not because of anything they have done, it's all ME! I am the problem. The problem is, that I put all of my eggs into their basket. I held these people to a standard that they might not have even come close to putting me to and it hurt my feelings. I guess what I am trying to say is, I made them a priority when in return I was not a priority to them. Which is OK, it honestly is. They do not owe me anything, but I need to let go. I need to put my eggs back into my own basket and reevaluate where they need to be. I can tell you right now that the Good Lord Above deserves the majority of my eggs and that is where they are going. Period. Only then will the others fall into the baskets they deserve to be in.

This is how I am learning that I work. I am one that will touch the burner of a hot stove and then pull my hand back and then touch the hot stove again right away, just to see if it's still hot. Only I do this in relationships and I touch that hot stove over and over and over again. Each time I touch it though I get calloused hands and they build up more and more each time I touch it so that eventually, I don't even care if I touch it or not because the feeling is no longer there. I clearly still CARE enough to keep touching it, but when I get burnt again then it doesn't hurt so much.
At 4:30 this morning when I couldn't sleep, I actually thought to myself that maybe I should have been a carpenter. I am pretty good at laying bricks for the walls that are around my heart too. That's exactly how I feel.
I do NOT feel like this with everyone. I give everyone a fair chance and with that being said, I give everyone numerous chances because it takes time to build walls that are tall enough to block something out. The problem is, I feel like those that do have the walls towards them are too many. I feel like those that do have those walls are the ones that should have never been the ones to have walls in the first place. That reason alone is why it's so hard for me to have relationships with others. If those that should've never had walls are the ones that were first to get them, then I kind of don't stand a chance anyways with others.

Now, here's the poop kicker of it all, and you might have already asked this of me too, MAYBE, just MAYBE, if there are so many walls and such calloused hands...MAYBE the problem lies with me. MAYBE I AM THE PROBLEM???? And, I agree with that question and that way of thinking. The problem is I don't know what I am doing wrong. I don't know why I tend to drive those that I love the most away from me. I don't know how to fix a problem that I cannot pinpoint. THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY!  I want to fix me. I want to fix things, but I don't know how.

I know in specific relationships that it won't ever be fixed. I am already too calloused. I am already too numb. And the walls are already too high. But I feel the same happening with a couple of other relationships I am in and I DON'T WANT THAT! I honest to goodness WANT those relationships.
I want them to be fun and wonderful and easy just as easy as they come with my very best friend. I look at her and I's relationship and it is SO EASY. Isn't that the way it is SUPPOSED to be with everyone?
Why can't we just be ourselves and love each other for who they are. For what they are. For how much money they do or don't make. For how attractive or unattractive they are? Why can't we just always be who we are and be loved for that? Why is it that we are not good enough for those that are better? I just don't get it.
Here's the point in my vent session where I want to say, who cares?!! Who cares what they think?! GET A GRIP!!! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER AND WHO CARES?! Why does their opinion matter and it matters because I CARE. I care what they think. I want them to love me like I love them. I want them to make me a priority just like I make them a priority. I want them to see a text from me or a call from me and smile and say yay! It's Jennifer! Just like I do when they call or text me! Is that too much to ask for? Instead I can't even get a response. I am not even worth the reply and that my friends is where my feelings get SO HURT! Because I realize then that it's because to the other people I AM NOT WORTH IT. AND, that is not their problem it is mine because I made them a priority when I wasn't or am not a priority to them. This is why I say I need to redistribute my eggs.

I need to do an honest assessment in my relationships and give those that I KNOW make me a priority and give those that I KNOW love me and care about me-- my eggs. Those are who I need to focus on.
I need to stop trying to make people like or love me. They either do or they don't and if another relationship or several get barricaded by  these walls I build then that's ok because those that are so kind and so wonderful will still be right there IN my heart and those in my heart ARE ENOUGH. They are the ones that give me my love and my joy and my happiness and this is where my life's "Ah Ha" Moment came into play at 4:30 this morning. They are enough for me-- just as I am already enough for them. Why am I letting myself get so upset and why am I letting these people that don't make me a priority ruin my joy and happiness that could be directed at those that are enough for me JUST AS I AM ENOUGH FOR THEM?!!!! Why did I not see this before????

I am not going to force a relationship anymore and I certainly will not sit around and ponder if or what I might or might not have done to hurt some of these people. I WILL NOT be someone that hurts other people. I WILL NOT be someone that God wouldn't want me to be. I know in one particular relationship that I honestly have not done anything wrong. I know that it is because of superficial things that are somewhat out of my control and for that I will not be sorry. I am who I am and you either love me or hate me for it. I am going to be me, and as of this moment...that is enough for me. So, will it be enough for you? My prayer is that you answer that question with, "you already are". :)