Today turned out to be a very difficult day for me. I had to say goodbye to a very dear friend. Candi Crouch ended up being one of my closest friends. Like Larry pointed out, we have spent almost everyday for the past 6 years with Candi. Well, up until she got too sick to continue her life as she knew it. Candi was only 53 years old. 53! That is SO young. Sadly she lost her battle with breast cancer. This makes me mad. This makes me sad. I really just don't understand it all. Candi was my friend that when she would come in to pick up the kids she would stay and visit for an hour and sometimes more. I will cherish those visits. Nobody will ever understand how much that meant to me. Larry makes fun of me because he says I can't talk, lol. He says it's because I spend my days with a house full of kids. (I think he's right). Candi would walk in and I was like--YES! Adult conversation! Don't get me wrong, Candi was much more than adult conversation. She was my friend. I remember the day that Melanie came to pick up the kids and the phone rang not long after enough time had passed for Melanie to get home and my phone rang. It was Candi calling to tell me that when Melanie got home she thought to herself, "this isn't fair, it's my job to go get the kids and I miss you"! I won't ever forget her saying that to me. I missed her so much too. I still do. I always will.
What made these last two days that much harder was Colin, Cate, and Bayleigh. When I picked Bayleigh up from school on Wednesday morning I was a mess to say the least. She said, mommy why are you crying? I told her I was sad. She then asked why so I had to explain to her death. I asked her if she remembered how Candi was sick and she did, so then I told her that Candi went up to heaven to live with God and he is going to take care of her from now on. She then asked when she was going to come back down. Wow, that was hard explaining she wouldn't. She then asked if Candi was laying on a cloud and I told her that if that is what she thought heaven was like then yes, she is laying on a cloud and that is a beautiful thought.
Colin and Cate really got to me bad. We got to the funeral home yesterday for the viewing not long after it started. Once I was stepping out of line--a mess again of course--Colin walks up to me and hands me an envelope. In the envelope he wrote me a letter that said, My mom was sad. In another envelope that he kept for himself he had another note that said, I know grandma is in hevin--spelled just like that. Cate kept saying, Grandma's sleeping and she won't get up. Over and Over and Over again. While watching the DVD that was made about every other picture that would come up Cate would yell with excitement Grandma! Grandma's sleeping. She doesn't understand. :(
Melanie had picked out a red, white, and blue dress she wanted Bayleigh to wear to the funeral because those were Candi's favorite colors. She said she thought her mom would like to see Bayleigh wear that. When I showed it to Bayleigh and told her that, she said, But she won't get to see me wear it. I assured her that Candi is watching over her that she would see it.
I was honored when Melanie asked me to put the pictures and picture boards together for the funeral. It was very sad because I started reflecting on all the annual things Candi and I enjoyed doing. We always took Bayleigh and Colin for photo shoots in the summer. We always went to the pumpkin patch together to ride the horse trolly's and pick out our pumpkins and we always went to Zoo Boo together at the Indianapolis Zoo. I will continue to do these things each year. It will be sad without Candi there, but I know she will be. :) I know she will. Candi had just as great a passion for photography as I do. (I think, to be honest, she had it worse than me). :) We would constantly have the cameras in the kids faces. :) It was our thing. Candi would say, "make me a disc." and I would say, "you do the same". I would always write on the disc sleeve silly names for Candi. Candi Cane, Candi Kisses, Candi Cakes...she always got a kick out of the silly things I'd come up with. :) I'm gonna miss that.
I think the hardest thing will be not being able to pick up the phone just to talk. One thing about Candi, you could call her for one thing and couldn't get off the phone. :) I'm happy we had those talks.
One thing that meant that absolute world to me was this year for Mother's Day Candi was in the hospital--not Hospice yet, but Major. I had taken a picture of the kids and framed it in a grandkids frame and took it to her one night when Larry, Bayleigh, and I went to visit her. I told her that our Sunday would be too busy and we wouldn't make it up there, but I wanted to make sure she had her gift before that day. Candi LOVED that picture so much that she asked to be buried with it. I am so thankful that I did that for her. That meant so much to me.
This is a difficult thing to go through, but toward the end she suffered so much and seeing her that way was heart breaking. I am happy that she is at peace. I am happy that she is once again whole again. Knowing this helps so much.
I bought Melanie a stepping stone that read, Perhaps there are no stars in the sky, but rather holes for our loved ones to shine through to let us know they are happy. Well, our dark skies just became a star brighter. Candi, I know you are in heaven smiling down on us all. I love you and miss you so much and I will think of you often. Rest in Peace my dear friend.
What made these last two days that much harder was Colin, Cate, and Bayleigh. When I picked Bayleigh up from school on Wednesday morning I was a mess to say the least. She said, mommy why are you crying? I told her I was sad. She then asked why so I had to explain to her death. I asked her if she remembered how Candi was sick and she did, so then I told her that Candi went up to heaven to live with God and he is going to take care of her from now on. She then asked when she was going to come back down. Wow, that was hard explaining she wouldn't. She then asked if Candi was laying on a cloud and I told her that if that is what she thought heaven was like then yes, she is laying on a cloud and that is a beautiful thought.
Colin and Cate really got to me bad. We got to the funeral home yesterday for the viewing not long after it started. Once I was stepping out of line--a mess again of course--Colin walks up to me and hands me an envelope. In the envelope he wrote me a letter that said, My mom was sad. In another envelope that he kept for himself he had another note that said, I know grandma is in hevin--spelled just like that. Cate kept saying, Grandma's sleeping and she won't get up. Over and Over and Over again. While watching the DVD that was made about every other picture that would come up Cate would yell with excitement Grandma! Grandma's sleeping. She doesn't understand. :(
Melanie had picked out a red, white, and blue dress she wanted Bayleigh to wear to the funeral because those were Candi's favorite colors. She said she thought her mom would like to see Bayleigh wear that. When I showed it to Bayleigh and told her that, she said, But she won't get to see me wear it. I assured her that Candi is watching over her that she would see it.
I was honored when Melanie asked me to put the pictures and picture boards together for the funeral. It was very sad because I started reflecting on all the annual things Candi and I enjoyed doing. We always took Bayleigh and Colin for photo shoots in the summer. We always went to the pumpkin patch together to ride the horse trolly's and pick out our pumpkins and we always went to Zoo Boo together at the Indianapolis Zoo. I will continue to do these things each year. It will be sad without Candi there, but I know she will be. :) I know she will. Candi had just as great a passion for photography as I do. (I think, to be honest, she had it worse than me). :) We would constantly have the cameras in the kids faces. :) It was our thing. Candi would say, "make me a disc." and I would say, "you do the same". I would always write on the disc sleeve silly names for Candi. Candi Cane, Candi Kisses, Candi Cakes...she always got a kick out of the silly things I'd come up with. :) I'm gonna miss that.
I think the hardest thing will be not being able to pick up the phone just to talk. One thing about Candi, you could call her for one thing and couldn't get off the phone. :) I'm happy we had those talks.
One thing that meant that absolute world to me was this year for Mother's Day Candi was in the hospital--not Hospice yet, but Major. I had taken a picture of the kids and framed it in a grandkids frame and took it to her one night when Larry, Bayleigh, and I went to visit her. I told her that our Sunday would be too busy and we wouldn't make it up there, but I wanted to make sure she had her gift before that day. Candi LOVED that picture so much that she asked to be buried with it. I am so thankful that I did that for her. That meant so much to me.
This is a difficult thing to go through, but toward the end she suffered so much and seeing her that way was heart breaking. I am happy that she is at peace. I am happy that she is once again whole again. Knowing this helps so much.
I bought Melanie a stepping stone that read, Perhaps there are no stars in the sky, but rather holes for our loved ones to shine through to let us know they are happy. Well, our dark skies just became a star brighter. Candi, I know you are in heaven smiling down on us all. I love you and miss you so much and I will think of you often. Rest in Peace my dear friend.
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