PLAY BALL!

This has been a VERY exciting week for us! Monday, May 24th 2010 Bayleigh played her first Little League Game and they WON! She plays for Waldron Health Care and Mark Benson is her coach. Anthony Thomas is the assistant coach as well. The guy pitching to her, I am not sure of his name, but he must be a friend or relative or Mark. Whoever he is he is an awesome pitcher! Bayleigh got to bat 3 times and got 3 hits!!!! Momma was so proud! She even scored 2 runs for the team. On one of her hits she got to first and then got to go the second because of an over throw on the other team! YEAH! She didn't get the 3rd point bc the batter struck out. :(

All of the girls did an AMAZING JOB! I know that our final score was 17, but not sure the final for the other team. It was either 4 or 5, but they didn't post it after the 6th inning and we didn't bat that inning since we were up.

She's ready to go!
Warming Up before the game!

Pep talk from the coach before the game. She is so short. :)

The team preparing for the National Anthem.

We were the home team so we started in the field. Bayleigh is in position and ready to go! (chewing her nails)

A neat bench shot!

Bayleigh's in the hole!!!!

Whoooo Hoooo! This picture is funny because the bat hanging on the fence looks like she threw her bat to hit the ball. Each hit she would gently set the bat down and then run so she didn't get called out for throwing the bat. :)

On First Base!

On second base! After this she didn't get to stand on Third because she got to go HOME and score her first point EVER!!!

Bayleigh scoring her first point!

Bayleigh's On Deck! Tongue out and all. :)

Batter UP!

Bayleigh scoring her 2nd run for the evening!

Swing Batter!

Here is a shot of her on Third. That is her coach Mark beside her.

This didn't end up being the final score because the guest team scored 2 or 3 runs the sixth inning, but it wasn't enough for us to bat again.

The line up to tell the other team Congrats!

Yes! that is Bayleigh causing the traffic jam! She didn't know to walk and high five at the same time. When I told her in the truck she said, "it's ok, they can come to me"! LOL! it was SO funny!

All in All we had the BEST evening. I love watching the little kids play. They are so cute. I knew that when the time came I was going to put Bayleigh in softball because of watching Colin the year before. I never got to play growing up and I think it is great that she has this opportunity. I am sure that throughout the summer there will be more blogs about baseball. :) As a matter of fact, she plays again tonight and we will be the guest team so I will be taking photos from that side of the field. Until next time. Thank you for reading and if you ever want to come and watch her play just let me know and I can give you the dates and time. :)

Love, Jenn

Goodbye My Dear Friend

Today turned out to be a very difficult day for me. I had to say goodbye to a very dear friend. Candi Crouch ended up being one of my closest friends. Like Larry pointed out, we have spent almost everyday for the past 6 years with Candi. Well, up until she got too sick to continue her life as she knew it. Candi was only 53 years old. 53! That is SO young. Sadly she lost her battle with breast cancer. This makes me mad. This makes me sad. I really just don't understand it all. Candi was my friend that when she would come in to pick up the kids she would stay and visit for an hour and sometimes more. I will cherish those visits. Nobody will ever understand how much that meant to me. Larry makes fun of me because he says I can't talk, lol. He says it's because I spend my days with a house full of kids. (I think he's right). Candi would walk in and I was like--YES! Adult conversation! Don't get me wrong, Candi was much more than adult conversation. She was my friend.

I remember the day that Melanie came to pick up the kids and the phone rang not long after enough time had passed for Melanie to get home and my phone rang. It was Candi calling to tell me that when Melanie got home she thought to herself, "this isn't fair, it's my job to go get the kids and I miss you"! I won't ever forget her saying that to me. I missed her so much too. I still do. I always will.
What made these last two days that much harder was Colin, Cate, and Bayleigh. When I picked Bayleigh up from school on Wednesday morning I was a mess to say the least. She said, mommy why are you crying? I told her I was sad. She then asked why so I had to explain to her death. I asked her if she remembered how Candi was sick and she did, so then I told her that Candi went up to heaven to live with God and he is going to take care of her from now on. She then asked when she was going to come back down. Wow, that was hard explaining she wouldn't. She then asked if Candi was laying on a cloud and I told her that if that is what she thought heaven was like then yes, she is laying on a cloud and that is a beautiful thought.
Colin and Cate really got to me bad. We got to the funeral home yesterday for the viewing not long after it started. Once I was stepping out of line--a mess again of course--Colin walks up to me and hands me an envelope. In the envelope he wrote me a letter that said, My mom was sad. In another envelope that he kept for himself he had another note that said, I know grandma is in hevin--spelled just like that. Cate kept saying, Grandma's sleeping and she won't get up. Over and Over and Over again. While watching the DVD that was made about every other picture that would come up Cate would yell with excitement Grandma! Grandma's sleeping. She doesn't understand. :(
Melanie had picked out a red, white, and blue dress she wanted Bayleigh to wear to the funeral because those were Candi's favorite colors. She said she thought her mom would like to see Bayleigh wear that. When I showed it to Bayleigh and told her that, she said, But she won't get to see me wear it. I assured her that Candi is watching over her that she would see it.

I was honored when Melanie asked me to put the pictures and picture boards together for the funeral. It was very sad because I started reflecting on all the annual things Candi and I enjoyed doing. We always took Bayleigh and Colin for photo shoots in the summer. We always went to the pumpkin patch together to ride the horse trolly's and pick out our pumpkins and we always went to Zoo Boo together at the Indianapolis Zoo. I will continue to do these things each year. It will be sad without Candi there, but I know she will be. :) I know she will. Candi had just as great a passion for photography as I do. (I think, to be honest, she had it worse than me). :) We would constantly have the cameras in the kids faces. :) It was our thing. Candi would say, "make me a disc." and I would say, "you do the same". I would always write on the disc sleeve silly names for Candi. Candi Cane, Candi Kisses, Candi Cakes...she always got a kick out of the silly things I'd come up with. :) I'm gonna miss that.
I think the hardest thing will be not being able to pick up the phone just to talk. One thing about Candi, you could call her for one thing and couldn't get off the phone. :) I'm happy we had those talks.
One thing that meant that absolute world to me was this year for Mother's Day Candi was in the hospital--not Hospice yet, but Major. I had taken a picture of the kids and framed it in a grandkids frame and took it to her one night when Larry, Bayleigh, and I went to visit her. I told her that our Sunday would be too busy and we wouldn't make it up there, but I wanted to make sure she had her gift before that day. Candi LOVED that picture so much that she asked to be buried with it. I am so thankful that I did that for her. That meant so much to me.
This is a difficult thing to go through, but toward the end she suffered so much and seeing her that way was heart breaking. I am happy that she is at peace. I am happy that she is once again whole again. Knowing this helps so much.
I bought Melanie a stepping stone that read, Perhaps there are no stars in the sky, but rather holes for our loved ones to shine through to let us know they are happy. Well, our dark skies just became a star brighter. Candi, I know you are in heaven smiling down on us all. I love you and miss you so much and I will think of you often. Rest in Peace my dear friend.

No Particular Title...

Really not too much has been going on in the Rutherford home. We of course are getting VERY excited about vacation! 7 Rutherford's tearing through Disney World at one time?! Hahahahaha! Should be FUN! I can't wait! I mean I CAN'T WAIT!!!! :) (Ummmm, That was mean yelling out of excitement!)

On a smaller personal level--I have always known that I wanted a BIG family. I originally wanted 5, yes 5, children, but now that I am older of course that is not realistic. I have PCOS, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, therefore it is VERY difficult for me to get pregnant. I am VERY blessed to have Bayleigh and SO thankful for her each and every single day. This past weekend, I FINALLY had a "friend" decide to stop by for a visit--didn't miss "her" at all, but it clicked to me that hey, if "she" is here then I am ovulating! YEAH for that!
I LITERALLY go from day to day changing my mind now about whether or not I want more children. I do today, and I did yesterday, but I really brought myself to terms prior to this weekend that it wasn't gonna happen for me and I accepted it. Now, I am thinking about how FUN Bayleigh is. How nice it is not to pack a diaper bag around or buy the diapers for them. I couldn't breast feed Bayleigh because she ended up being lactose intolerant so what if that happens again and I have to buy formula too? I guess, making the decision to not have another baby is the lazy/easy way out. I don't know what to do. Bayleigh is TOTALLY opposed to the idea. I mean, it brings her to tears when I talk to her about it. No, No, No is what she says. Larry told her that the decision is not hers, but she is so afraid we won't love her--and "she" would take her toys away. I have tried to tell her that I would never stop loving her, but she says NO! When I see her get THAT upset, even though I know that she would LOVE him or her once he or she got here it breaks my heart. I am SO torn right now though because I am thinking, "Jennifer, it's more than likely not, now or never".

This is SUCH a huge decision, so I think this is the way I am going to go....I'm gonna go for it---IF it happens then YEAH! and if it doesn't happen then I am already SO blessed and I won't let it get me down. My gosh, I KNOW me so well and I know that I will get my hopes up so I have to figure out how to not let that happen. IF it happens then I will have to figure out this Bayleigh thing. The last thing I want to do is upset her, but really in the end it might benefit her--once Larry and I grow old and feeble then she will have help taking care of our old bums! LOL! IDK, this is just what we are thinking at this point. I guess we will see. :)

Larry is still working his behind off both at work and at home. I SWEAR he is the Energizer Bunny. He is a worker and I do LOVE that so much about him. I know that if something needs done he'll get it done. This past weekend he fixed my moms roof for her and THANKFULLY it is no longer leaking! YEAH! I know that this is a HUGE relief for her and us as well. I know that it was really bumming mom out. I didn't like seeing her upset with it. SO Yeah to a fixed roof! :)

Bayleigh has been chugging along with her last few days of school. She has been working on reading and practicing her letters and doing math as well. I have to say, I am really proud of her. She is catching on quickly and really enjoys learning! I hope she stays this way and that her memory stays as great as it is now. :) She still LOVES baseball practice and has her first game on the 24th. Her picture day is Saturday so I went tonight and bought her her socks to match her uniform. North Carolina Blue and White Tie Dyed! FUN! I bought the smallest they had and they LITERALLY pull up to the top of her thighs. Her pants are HUGE on her too, but she is such a doll! I'll post pictures as soon as we get them. (I'm sure momma will take her camera too).

I think that is about it for now. I'm sorry I have not posted pictures with my last few posts because we all know that is the funnest part of any blog, but soon...I promise to post pictures soon. :) Until then, I hope once again this finds you well! Take Care and thanks for reading!
Love,
Jenn

A Radar Day

I had a little laugh this Tuesday morning when I woke Bayleigh up for school. I went in to get her and this is how our conversation went.

ME: Come on Bay. It's time for school.

BAY: Mooooooooom, I don't have school today it's raining.

ME: You do have school. You don't miss just because it's raining.

BAY: Buuuuuuut Mooooooooom, it's a radar day!

ME: **chuckling** Bay, everyday is a radar day. Today the radar just has rain!

BAY: OH MAN!

LOL! It's true--Kid's say the darndest things! I just thought I'd share. This definately brought a smile to my rainy Tuesday morning. :)

Biopsy Results

My biopsy results came in the mail today and as we thought there is nothing wrong with my stomach. It did show a mild case of gastralpathy (spelling?), but nothing that even gives me symptoms. Now they are sending these results over to IU and we will get the big surgery scheduled. I am VERY scared about this surgery, but also looking forward to it because I know that once it is over I will have relief. :) They said that I should hear from IU in the next 2 weeks and if not then I am to contact their office to get the ball rolling. After that then I will have a follow up with Dr. Mokeba and I should be done. YEAH! That is all I know at this time. Thank you for your prayers and concerns. Enjoy this week as school is almost over (14 days left I believe) and summer break is soon to start. :) Thanks for checking in. Take Care!
Jenn

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day! :)

I absolutly LOVE this day each year. I don't make the day about myself though--I make it about Bayleigh. I always say to her, "Bayleigh, do you know how I know God loves me?" and she always replies, "Yes, MOOOOOM--it's because he gave you me." I am SO blessed.

This weekend has been kind of crazy. Not really crazy I guess--just BUSY. Friday night our dear friend Candi was taken down to the hospice center in Columbus. My heart is breaking for her, Melanie, Danny, and the kids. She is in so much pain. We hope that hospice will be able to get her pain in check and hopefully come home. We are all staying open minded to that. Friday night after dinner Larry and I drove down there and I was pleasantly surprised at how amazing the facility is. It is beautiful and the staff seems very nice too. Please keep Candi and her family and friends in your prayers. Especially for her comfort at this point too. She is a wonderful woman and to watch her in this pain is so sad.

Saturday, Larry and I went to buy him a suit. I must say that he looked pretty strapping in it too. :) and the price looked pretty strapping in my checkbook as well. After that we met up with Rachel and we got Max from her. I LOVE that boy! We went over to the mall and actually bought the suit. (We shopped for it before and after getting Max). Then went and had icecream. Then we came home and Donna brought Trent over and we spent the evening with him. I can't believe how big he is getting. He's totally into giving kisses right now and it is SO cute! He is SO full of personality. Very sweet boy! While I stayed with a sleeping Trent Larry took Max and Bayleigh into town and bought my mothers day gift and cards.

Today, MOTHER'S DAY!!! Larry and Bayleigh and I lounged in bed as late as we could and then Mom and Tony came over and we all rode together up to Greenfield to have lunch with my sister. Jessica bought me a beautiful mother's day card and that meant a lot to me. Then we all went over to see papa at the nursing home. Mimi and Kenya came up there as well. It was great seeing him and them. It has been several weeks since we (Larry, Bayleigh, and I) have been up there. He had a rough day. He has a cough that he can't seem to shake. I hope that it is not the onset of pnemonia (however you spell it).

Today I refect on myself as a child and I remember how I REALLY didn't make parenting a very easy job for my own mother. I have a huge respect for my mom--the role of being a mother isn't an easy one, but my mom actually had to fill the role of both mom and dad while raising twins. Mom and I have a good relationship now and I am very thankful to have her in my life. She is always there for us and is a wonderful Grammy to the MOST AMAZING person in the world. :) So, Thank you momma for all you have done, all you do, and for being you! I LOVE you!

I want to just give a quick update on a my past blogs: The biopsy results I was supposed to get Friday, I did not get--hopefully I will get them soon and everything will be ok. I will keep you posted. My attacks have seemed to back off some, but when they do hit then they seem more intense. It is harder for me to get them under control. Also, I mentioned that I was walking away from Facebook--I have and it has been very nice. I did log onto chat a couple of minutes with a friend of mine to fill her in on Candi, because it would have taken SO long to text, but other than that I have not been on. I thought when I first made the decision to walk away that I would struggle with it, but I think with the nice weather and a big house that requires so much attention it has gone well. Now I am kind of wishing I would have walked away from it sooner. :) No, maybe not--I have met a WONDERFUL and LIFE LONG friend on there and I might not have gotten to know her so well. I LOVE you Jen F.!!!!! I LOVE you Jen J. too! I am glad that you and I have gotten close again too! You both mean the world to me!

If you are a mommy and you are reading this--I hope that your Mother's Day was as wonderful as mine. AND, if you're not a mommy and you are reading this blog--I hope your day was wonderful too. :)

I am going to go ahead and end this here, so I can get back to my family time.

Thank you for taking the time to catch up with us. Until next time!

Love,

Jennifer

I am depressed...And Walking away....

It's true. That title pretty well describes me at this point. I think that it is finally to the point that I am going to seek out professional help, whether it be anxiety medication or counseling. I don't know. This blog is probably going to upset the right people if they read it and I thought long and hard about not writing it to spare their feelings and then I thought to myself that that is not fair. It seems that they get to say what they want and have no regard for my feelings what so ever and this is MY blog. This is MY way of getting some things out that make me extremely happy, sad, funny, depressing, just anything of how I am feeling.

It's no secret that my sister and I do not have a sister relationship. It's not all one sided either--we both are at fault for that, but I feel like for a long time I tried to make it work and I tried to be there for her and it didn't work. Maybe she tried too and it didn't work for her either. I don't know, maybe I missed it when I shouldn't have.
We are sisters in the sense that we share the same mother, heck even the same birthday for that, we share the same family members, and we look just alike--well, not that we have grown and I let myself go and she did not, but you get my point. I feel that is all we have for being sisters. We don't talk to find out how each others days are going. She doesn't call to see how her niece is doing. Nor do I call to tell her. We don't help each other thru crisis or share enjoyments together. We just don't. I wanted that for a very long time. I basically wanted it more for Bayleigh and I wanted her to be more involved with her, but life happens and it just doesn't. I understand that. Now, don't think for 2 seconds that I am saying she doesn't love Bayleigh because I am sure she does, so don't think that.

This past week. I was upset with somethings that happened and her "sister" Jenn M. was once again put over me. It has been that way since the later part of our high school career. Jenn said some mean things on my facebook account that made even me wonder if they were true.
She said that I throw Jessica under the bus every chance I get. I have never put Jessica at the top of my list, but get upset when she doesn't put me on her list. She also said that I am stuck in high school and immature. She said that I sit around this house all day and think of what I can do and say to hurt other people.
The reason that I wondered if they were true is because people do things that they are not even aware that they are doing until it's done. That's just human of us. As I sit here right now, I just don't think they are true.
I have tried to be there for Jessica MANY times. Jenn M. was just always put over me. I wasn't allowed to be there for her because Jessica wouldn't let me. I have NO clue what she is talking about with me throwing Jessica under the bus every chance I get or that I have never put Jessica at the top of my list. I asked her in a response on there to name the times and she did not. (my guess is because she can't). This may seem right now that I am throwing Jessica under the bus and I AM NOT. I am simply using my blog to get some things out that I need to get out. If I email or write Jess to express myself then it could be taken or read the wrong way. Calling her will lead to denials and not really hearing my thoughts. So, I just want to get it out here. I only know of one friend that reads this blog on a regular basis and I've already confided in her so she already knows my thoughts, so I am basically doing this for me.

I said some really mean things to Jenn M. in response to her trash she wrote on my page and I later apologized to her for saying them because I was ashamed that I got so publicly upset and the things that were said should have been said in private messages and not for the whole facebook community to read. I have since deleted it because it wasn't anyones business. Even though I deleted it I still stand by the things that I said as far as not doing what I was accused of and even some of the other things I wrote too in defense to myself. Jessica didn't even defend me or my character and then it hit me upside the head like a ton of bricks that that is probably because that's how she feels about me too. Her "sister" Jenn M. doesn't know me. She doesn't know the person that I am. So the judgment of my chacter more likely than not came from things that Jessica has told her in times of anger toward me or even just casual conversation about me. I don't know. That is just my guess. I might be wrong.

I think that what is best for me right now is to walk away. I think that I am eventually going to get in the stride in this walking away, to walk from a lot more, but for now--I'm going to start with Facebook. I will not be logging into facebook on a regualar basis anymore. This isn't me saying that forever because I LOVE the fact that I can share exciting things with my family and friends and I LOVE the fact that I can show pictures off of Bayleigh to family that live away and friends that also care to see her grow, but live away from us. It also gives me a chance to use the Internet as an online storage of some of my most cherished photos too.

I have been thinking about my "list" that I have of people I care so much about. This list is LONG too I will just say that and if you are reading this blog then clearly you are on that list. My list has Bayleigh in the number 1 spot and then Larry and myself tied in the number 2 spot. I just, right now as I am writing this, put me in the tied position of #2 with Larry because I don't think I even had me on the list to begin with and I am going to fix that as of now. Hence me blogging this to help myself. In order to help me I have to love or at least care about me so I am doing that now. Those are the two spots I am going to focus on at this moment in my life. I am going to put all of my efforts into Bayleigh, Larry, and then myself. I know that this is probably reading as me being VERY selfish and I don't mean for that to be happening. It's just, Bayleigh and Larry are my two constants. They are there. They love me, and I mean REALLY love me, unconditionally. We might not always agree and we might have our spats from time to time, but we always work through it. I find that they are who I actually want to work through it with. Some others on my list--while they are on the list because I love them and/or care for them, I think that if things don't work out then OK. I will have to find a way to come to terms with that at another time. I have to focus on my #1 and #2 spots at this point. When I am angry or upset, I find myself taking it out on them, (unintentionally), or dragging them down emotionally as well. Even though Bayleigh is 5 she still knows when I am upset and I don't want her to. I want her to enjoy her youth. I want her to be happy. I want to make her happy.
Now don't think that I am forgetting the #3 spot and down because I am not in any way shape or form doing that. I am simply saying that I have to focus on my immediate family right now. I have to get myself in a place where I can honestly be happy and when I am stressed out over people that say and do things that cut me down or hurt me then I am not being fair to me or Larry or Bayleigh. I will not let that continue anymore. I can't. Larry would not do that to me and Bayleigh would not either so I can't do it to them.

I almost feel like my life is in a spiral downwards. My mom is upset and I can't fix that. I hate so badly that I can't fix that either. I know she is just upset with things out of her control and I need to remember that it's not me. (I don't think) I had a "fight", I think, with Larry's aunt on facebook a while back, my cousin deleted me off his facebook friends list and I didn't do anything to him, and I feel like I am just not in a good place right now. Notice facebook is the center of all I am discussing tonight??? This is exactly why I need to walk away from it.

I WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME! Larry tells me this on a weekly basis. He is probably to the point of wanting to record it just so that he doesn't have to say it again. I can say that it doesn't bother me what others think, but deep down--it does. It does big time. Even when I try to let it not bother me. It does.
I feel like I TRULY try to please everyone. If I think I have hurt someone or upset someone it bothers me to no end. I always want to fix whatever. I have to learn that I can't. In this life, people simply are not going to like other people. There might not even be a reason for it. I have to accept that and forget about it.

This blog has turned out to be quite the lengthy blog so I will go ahead and close for now. I really do hope that if the "right" people read this and get upset about it that they have read it with an open heart and an open mind and will not be upset, but rather just understand where I am coming from and maybe even one day want to fix it, but if not then...well, just then....
On the plus side, I thought at the beginning that I might need to seek professional help, but I already feel so much relief just from being 100% open and honest on here that at this time I feel I might not need that help. :)

Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment and give me your opinions.
Much Love,
Jennifer