I Fear...

EVERYTHING! This blog is very personal to me and I am really surprised that I am putting this out there for all to read, but I have to. I am hoping that by "saying" it outloud that I get some sort of relief, or that this burden is somehow lifted off my shoulders.

I started out by using the word EVERYTHING because I honestly FEAR EVERYTHING all the time. I am constantly in a state of worry and stress. Even when I am at my happiest I always have something in the back of my mind that I am worried about. I don't know how to change this. I don't really share my feelings about this with anyone because I know that they are going to say I am ridiculous. I know this because I am.

I wish I could, because I want to, just let it go. I want to enjoy this short life that we are given. I know it is a control thing. I don't know why I feel I must be in complete control at all times. When I have something that is out of my control then the anxiety sets in and the constant panic of things not being right and it is driving me crazy.

Yesterday, Bayleigh went to the dentist. The office has a policy that parents are not allowed to go back. Well, I was "ok" with this until Friday. I wrote "ok" like that because it did or heck even still does bother me, but I DO understand why they have this policy. I really do, but again--control wise, I want to be back there to make sure that she is brushing right and that there is no problems. Well, Friday I am watching 20/20 and let me just tell you, and my aunt said it right, that horrifing isn't even a good enough word to describe what was on there. They, being dentist offices--Small Smiles to be exact, were TORTURING kids, by strapping them to boards and doing proceedures that didn't even need to be done. The kids were SCREAMING bloody murder, I mean screams that were cutting right through me to hear. It was the saddest, cruelest thing I have seen in a long time. One child had 16, yes 1-6 root canals done in one sitting! Now, how is it that a child needs 16 root canals really??? I understand the board thing. Kids need to be where they are not moving and kicking and fighting because they can get hurt, but by me thinking about this mental pictures go through my head of Bayleigh being strapped down like that and it tears me up! They went as far as to turn the music up so that the parents couldn't hear the screams. That right there tells me that they KNEW what they were doing was wrong because they intentionally took steps to hid it from parents.
SO anyways, we go to go back and I already made up my mind that I was going back. I didn't care. I couldn't just let her go back by herself know what I had just seen on Friday. But then I was also torn because 1. I didn't want to be THAT parent. 2. I didn't want the doctor to be offended. and 3. I really struggle with know when to "cut the cord". I was SO MAD because the tech of course did her job of telling me know, and then I of course did my part of saying uh, sorry I'm coming back and if you would have watched 20/20 on Friday then you would understand why. Of course her response was, no sorry and then I just took it upon myself to say uh, no sorry and followed Bayleigh back. I WAS NOT rude. And then I get attitude from the tech, Larry heard it too and she was snotty and said, well, we will just see what Dr. Mann says about that. I replied OK, we will. I wish I could put her tone in this blog so you could get the full extent of where I am coming from.
I half expected, because of her tone, Dr. Mann to come and tell me that they would not be able to treat Bayleigh anymore because of my defiance. I think by that time I was so offended by the tech that I seriously would have been ok with that. I sat there quietly the whole time and stayed out of the way. Knowing in the back of my mind, and yes-it was bothering me--that I would most definately be the talk of the office when we left. I was so angry at the techs attitude that I just wanted this witch to get her hands off my child. This seriously was the thoughts going on in the back of my mind. CRAZY I know! I blow things way out of the water.
BUT anyways, so Dr. Mann comes over and he asks me if I have any concerns and I share my concerns about her teeth grinding and he is VERY nice and tells me about that. And then I say, if you guys get the chance, you should really look up the 20/20 episode from Friday night. (the tech was sitting there too). Dr. Mann, NICELY, replies that he had seen that before and explains that they have the no parent policy because most kids look to mom or dad for their escape. I GET that, I really do. And I told him that and I also explained that seriously had I not just seen that Friday I wouldn't have been SO insistant on being back their, but that for my sake I just had to be. I told him that it is important to me to have a trusting relationship with Bayleigh's doctors and well, lets just be honest, how can you have a trusting relationship if you don't go back and talk to them? (Ididn't tell him that part) I felt better after my talk with him.
BUT THEN, I am in bed last night WORRYING that I offended them! Geeze, it never freaking ends with me. I was, or am, heck I don't know, considering writting an appology letter and thanking him for being so kind, but then I think I just need to let it go. I don't know what to do. I know that unfairly people get thrown into a category that is often times brought about because of 1 person. I know this is not fair and I didn't mean to throw Dr. Mann into this category, but I was so upset watching that they I was crying, and my stomach hurt, I was sick from it. (Not like vomitting sick, but well, you know what I mean).

This is just the latest of my worry, but it is like this all the time with every thing. In June, we are flying to FL and I am worried about being the fat girl on the plane that nobody wants to sit by. When we lay in bed at night, we have space heaters upstairs, and I am in constant worry that they will catch on fire and I can't sleep. When my babies are here I am contantly watching over them like a hawk in fear they will fall and hit their heads or that they will choke while they are eating so I make sure that their food if more than enough cut up so they are safe. I wonder constantly if I unplugged the hair straightener when I am not at home when I KNOW full well, that I did and checked it 4 or 5 times before walking out the door too. When we are driving down the road I worry about other drivers not seeing me and try to stay away from other cars on the Interstate. When out to dinner, the salt and pepper shakers on the tables turn my stomach because you don't know who touched them or what is on them. (This whole germaphobe thing really went haywire once I had Bayleigh and I have to keep my home clean from germs so that if someone is sick they can get better soon and so that none of the rest of us get sick, because I want my parents to have enjoyable evenings with their babies and not having to care for a sick one). I just want everyone happy and healthy, AND safe. When I am at home and I have to go pick Bayleigh up from school or Colin up from school I fear the whole time until they are with me that someone will go into the school or another student will go crazy in the school and go on a rampage hurting the kids. THIS IS MEDIA! This is what the news is doing to me. We can't just sit back and be naive to everything and take on the attitude of "that won't happen to me" because EVERYONE would like to think that wouldn't happen to them. BUT I also, have to figure out a way to fix this about me. I can't continue to live my life like this. I know that I will think about this blog for weeks and wonder honestly how many of my readers will think I am and LOONEY PERSON! I am NOT.

I promise I am not. I might just be using this word as an excuse to justify my actions, but I feel like I am cautious. Let's face it, we have to be cautious. They saying goes, you must first look out for #1. and that is so true, until you have kids and then you are not #1 you are at the very least #2. Kids don't know. We have to watch over them, guide them, teach them to live and be safe.

My goodness, after rereading up to this point point I am beginning to think I am a looney person! Sounds like I have OCD or something. I don't know. I have to figure out a way to fix me. Any suggestions?

I really do already feel better getting some of this out. These are things and FEARS that I have held in for so long they were consuming my thinking all the time. I just want to be the BEST mother and the BEST person that I can be. That is the ONLY thing I want out of life at this point, just be the best and as positive as I can be. (How can I be positive with the fears I have that are so negative all the time)? I want to give the ones I love and care so much for everything I can possibly give them. On the same hand I don't want to be too controlling and I don't want to hold Bayleigh and the ones I love with such a tight fist that they don't know how to live and that they don't have the independence that is crucial for being respectful, functioning adults.

Fine lines: a term that was just used in a text from a good friend. They are bad for me because I clearly don't know which is the right side to be on. In todays world parents seem to be too controlling or not controlling enough. I, after 5 years, still have not figured out how to balance the two. And YES, this bothers me too. :)

Well, thanks for reading and giving me a chance to get this out. Now, I must get on with lunch. :) Please feel free to leave comments or emails or texts sharing your thoughts. Even if you do think I am looney, let me know. :)
Love,
Jenn