I am depressed...And Walking away....

It's true. That title pretty well describes me at this point. I think that it is finally to the point that I am going to seek out professional help, whether it be anxiety medication or counseling. I don't know. This blog is probably going to upset the right people if they read it and I thought long and hard about not writing it to spare their feelings and then I thought to myself that that is not fair. It seems that they get to say what they want and have no regard for my feelings what so ever and this is MY blog. This is MY way of getting some things out that make me extremely happy, sad, funny, depressing, just anything of how I am feeling.

It's no secret that my sister and I do not have a sister relationship. It's not all one sided either--we both are at fault for that, but I feel like for a long time I tried to make it work and I tried to be there for her and it didn't work. Maybe she tried too and it didn't work for her either. I don't know, maybe I missed it when I shouldn't have.
We are sisters in the sense that we share the same mother, heck even the same birthday for that, we share the same family members, and we look just alike--well, not that we have grown and I let myself go and she did not, but you get my point. I feel that is all we have for being sisters. We don't talk to find out how each others days are going. She doesn't call to see how her niece is doing. Nor do I call to tell her. We don't help each other thru crisis or share enjoyments together. We just don't. I wanted that for a very long time. I basically wanted it more for Bayleigh and I wanted her to be more involved with her, but life happens and it just doesn't. I understand that. Now, don't think for 2 seconds that I am saying she doesn't love Bayleigh because I am sure she does, so don't think that.

This past week. I was upset with somethings that happened and her "sister" Jenn M. was once again put over me. It has been that way since the later part of our high school career. Jenn said some mean things on my facebook account that made even me wonder if they were true.
She said that I throw Jessica under the bus every chance I get. I have never put Jessica at the top of my list, but get upset when she doesn't put me on her list. She also said that I am stuck in high school and immature. She said that I sit around this house all day and think of what I can do and say to hurt other people.
The reason that I wondered if they were true is because people do things that they are not even aware that they are doing until it's done. That's just human of us. As I sit here right now, I just don't think they are true.
I have tried to be there for Jessica MANY times. Jenn M. was just always put over me. I wasn't allowed to be there for her because Jessica wouldn't let me. I have NO clue what she is talking about with me throwing Jessica under the bus every chance I get or that I have never put Jessica at the top of my list. I asked her in a response on there to name the times and she did not. (my guess is because she can't). This may seem right now that I am throwing Jessica under the bus and I AM NOT. I am simply using my blog to get some things out that I need to get out. If I email or write Jess to express myself then it could be taken or read the wrong way. Calling her will lead to denials and not really hearing my thoughts. So, I just want to get it out here. I only know of one friend that reads this blog on a regular basis and I've already confided in her so she already knows my thoughts, so I am basically doing this for me.

I said some really mean things to Jenn M. in response to her trash she wrote on my page and I later apologized to her for saying them because I was ashamed that I got so publicly upset and the things that were said should have been said in private messages and not for the whole facebook community to read. I have since deleted it because it wasn't anyones business. Even though I deleted it I still stand by the things that I said as far as not doing what I was accused of and even some of the other things I wrote too in defense to myself. Jessica didn't even defend me or my character and then it hit me upside the head like a ton of bricks that that is probably because that's how she feels about me too. Her "sister" Jenn M. doesn't know me. She doesn't know the person that I am. So the judgment of my chacter more likely than not came from things that Jessica has told her in times of anger toward me or even just casual conversation about me. I don't know. That is just my guess. I might be wrong.

I think that what is best for me right now is to walk away. I think that I am eventually going to get in the stride in this walking away, to walk from a lot more, but for now--I'm going to start with Facebook. I will not be logging into facebook on a regualar basis anymore. This isn't me saying that forever because I LOVE the fact that I can share exciting things with my family and friends and I LOVE the fact that I can show pictures off of Bayleigh to family that live away and friends that also care to see her grow, but live away from us. It also gives me a chance to use the Internet as an online storage of some of my most cherished photos too.

I have been thinking about my "list" that I have of people I care so much about. This list is LONG too I will just say that and if you are reading this blog then clearly you are on that list. My list has Bayleigh in the number 1 spot and then Larry and myself tied in the number 2 spot. I just, right now as I am writing this, put me in the tied position of #2 with Larry because I don't think I even had me on the list to begin with and I am going to fix that as of now. Hence me blogging this to help myself. In order to help me I have to love or at least care about me so I am doing that now. Those are the two spots I am going to focus on at this moment in my life. I am going to put all of my efforts into Bayleigh, Larry, and then myself. I know that this is probably reading as me being VERY selfish and I don't mean for that to be happening. It's just, Bayleigh and Larry are my two constants. They are there. They love me, and I mean REALLY love me, unconditionally. We might not always agree and we might have our spats from time to time, but we always work through it. I find that they are who I actually want to work through it with. Some others on my list--while they are on the list because I love them and/or care for them, I think that if things don't work out then OK. I will have to find a way to come to terms with that at another time. I have to focus on my #1 and #2 spots at this point. When I am angry or upset, I find myself taking it out on them, (unintentionally), or dragging them down emotionally as well. Even though Bayleigh is 5 she still knows when I am upset and I don't want her to. I want her to enjoy her youth. I want her to be happy. I want to make her happy.
Now don't think that I am forgetting the #3 spot and down because I am not in any way shape or form doing that. I am simply saying that I have to focus on my immediate family right now. I have to get myself in a place where I can honestly be happy and when I am stressed out over people that say and do things that cut me down or hurt me then I am not being fair to me or Larry or Bayleigh. I will not let that continue anymore. I can't. Larry would not do that to me and Bayleigh would not either so I can't do it to them.

I almost feel like my life is in a spiral downwards. My mom is upset and I can't fix that. I hate so badly that I can't fix that either. I know she is just upset with things out of her control and I need to remember that it's not me. (I don't think) I had a "fight", I think, with Larry's aunt on facebook a while back, my cousin deleted me off his facebook friends list and I didn't do anything to him, and I feel like I am just not in a good place right now. Notice facebook is the center of all I am discussing tonight??? This is exactly why I need to walk away from it.

I WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME! Larry tells me this on a weekly basis. He is probably to the point of wanting to record it just so that he doesn't have to say it again. I can say that it doesn't bother me what others think, but deep down--it does. It does big time. Even when I try to let it not bother me. It does.
I feel like I TRULY try to please everyone. If I think I have hurt someone or upset someone it bothers me to no end. I always want to fix whatever. I have to learn that I can't. In this life, people simply are not going to like other people. There might not even be a reason for it. I have to accept that and forget about it.

This blog has turned out to be quite the lengthy blog so I will go ahead and close for now. I really do hope that if the "right" people read this and get upset about it that they have read it with an open heart and an open mind and will not be upset, but rather just understand where I am coming from and maybe even one day want to fix it, but if not then...well, just then....
On the plus side, I thought at the beginning that I might need to seek professional help, but I already feel so much relief just from being 100% open and honest on here that at this time I feel I might not need that help. :)

Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment and give me your opinions.
Much Love,
Jennifer