I Fear...

EVERYTHING! This blog is very personal to me and I am really surprised that I am putting this out there for all to read, but I have to. I am hoping that by "saying" it outloud that I get some sort of relief, or that this burden is somehow lifted off my shoulders.

I started out by using the word EVERYTHING because I honestly FEAR EVERYTHING all the time. I am constantly in a state of worry and stress. Even when I am at my happiest I always have something in the back of my mind that I am worried about. I don't know how to change this. I don't really share my feelings about this with anyone because I know that they are going to say I am ridiculous. I know this because I am.

I wish I could, because I want to, just let it go. I want to enjoy this short life that we are given. I know it is a control thing. I don't know why I feel I must be in complete control at all times. When I have something that is out of my control then the anxiety sets in and the constant panic of things not being right and it is driving me crazy.

Yesterday, Bayleigh went to the dentist. The office has a policy that parents are not allowed to go back. Well, I was "ok" with this until Friday. I wrote "ok" like that because it did or heck even still does bother me, but I DO understand why they have this policy. I really do, but again--control wise, I want to be back there to make sure that she is brushing right and that there is no problems. Well, Friday I am watching 20/20 and let me just tell you, and my aunt said it right, that horrifing isn't even a good enough word to describe what was on there. They, being dentist offices--Small Smiles to be exact, were TORTURING kids, by strapping them to boards and doing proceedures that didn't even need to be done. The kids were SCREAMING bloody murder, I mean screams that were cutting right through me to hear. It was the saddest, cruelest thing I have seen in a long time. One child had 16, yes 1-6 root canals done in one sitting! Now, how is it that a child needs 16 root canals really??? I understand the board thing. Kids need to be where they are not moving and kicking and fighting because they can get hurt, but by me thinking about this mental pictures go through my head of Bayleigh being strapped down like that and it tears me up! They went as far as to turn the music up so that the parents couldn't hear the screams. That right there tells me that they KNEW what they were doing was wrong because they intentionally took steps to hid it from parents.
SO anyways, we go to go back and I already made up my mind that I was going back. I didn't care. I couldn't just let her go back by herself know what I had just seen on Friday. But then I was also torn because 1. I didn't want to be THAT parent. 2. I didn't want the doctor to be offended. and 3. I really struggle with know when to "cut the cord". I was SO MAD because the tech of course did her job of telling me know, and then I of course did my part of saying uh, sorry I'm coming back and if you would have watched 20/20 on Friday then you would understand why. Of course her response was, no sorry and then I just took it upon myself to say uh, no sorry and followed Bayleigh back. I WAS NOT rude. And then I get attitude from the tech, Larry heard it too and she was snotty and said, well, we will just see what Dr. Mann says about that. I replied OK, we will. I wish I could put her tone in this blog so you could get the full extent of where I am coming from.
I half expected, because of her tone, Dr. Mann to come and tell me that they would not be able to treat Bayleigh anymore because of my defiance. I think by that time I was so offended by the tech that I seriously would have been ok with that. I sat there quietly the whole time and stayed out of the way. Knowing in the back of my mind, and yes-it was bothering me--that I would most definately be the talk of the office when we left. I was so angry at the techs attitude that I just wanted this witch to get her hands off my child. This seriously was the thoughts going on in the back of my mind. CRAZY I know! I blow things way out of the water.
BUT anyways, so Dr. Mann comes over and he asks me if I have any concerns and I share my concerns about her teeth grinding and he is VERY nice and tells me about that. And then I say, if you guys get the chance, you should really look up the 20/20 episode from Friday night. (the tech was sitting there too). Dr. Mann, NICELY, replies that he had seen that before and explains that they have the no parent policy because most kids look to mom or dad for their escape. I GET that, I really do. And I told him that and I also explained that seriously had I not just seen that Friday I wouldn't have been SO insistant on being back their, but that for my sake I just had to be. I told him that it is important to me to have a trusting relationship with Bayleigh's doctors and well, lets just be honest, how can you have a trusting relationship if you don't go back and talk to them? (Ididn't tell him that part) I felt better after my talk with him.
BUT THEN, I am in bed last night WORRYING that I offended them! Geeze, it never freaking ends with me. I was, or am, heck I don't know, considering writting an appology letter and thanking him for being so kind, but then I think I just need to let it go. I don't know what to do. I know that unfairly people get thrown into a category that is often times brought about because of 1 person. I know this is not fair and I didn't mean to throw Dr. Mann into this category, but I was so upset watching that they I was crying, and my stomach hurt, I was sick from it. (Not like vomitting sick, but well, you know what I mean).

This is just the latest of my worry, but it is like this all the time with every thing. In June, we are flying to FL and I am worried about being the fat girl on the plane that nobody wants to sit by. When we lay in bed at night, we have space heaters upstairs, and I am in constant worry that they will catch on fire and I can't sleep. When my babies are here I am contantly watching over them like a hawk in fear they will fall and hit their heads or that they will choke while they are eating so I make sure that their food if more than enough cut up so they are safe. I wonder constantly if I unplugged the hair straightener when I am not at home when I KNOW full well, that I did and checked it 4 or 5 times before walking out the door too. When we are driving down the road I worry about other drivers not seeing me and try to stay away from other cars on the Interstate. When out to dinner, the salt and pepper shakers on the tables turn my stomach because you don't know who touched them or what is on them. (This whole germaphobe thing really went haywire once I had Bayleigh and I have to keep my home clean from germs so that if someone is sick they can get better soon and so that none of the rest of us get sick, because I want my parents to have enjoyable evenings with their babies and not having to care for a sick one). I just want everyone happy and healthy, AND safe. When I am at home and I have to go pick Bayleigh up from school or Colin up from school I fear the whole time until they are with me that someone will go into the school or another student will go crazy in the school and go on a rampage hurting the kids. THIS IS MEDIA! This is what the news is doing to me. We can't just sit back and be naive to everything and take on the attitude of "that won't happen to me" because EVERYONE would like to think that wouldn't happen to them. BUT I also, have to figure out a way to fix this about me. I can't continue to live my life like this. I know that I will think about this blog for weeks and wonder honestly how many of my readers will think I am and LOONEY PERSON! I am NOT.

I promise I am not. I might just be using this word as an excuse to justify my actions, but I feel like I am cautious. Let's face it, we have to be cautious. They saying goes, you must first look out for #1. and that is so true, until you have kids and then you are not #1 you are at the very least #2. Kids don't know. We have to watch over them, guide them, teach them to live and be safe.

My goodness, after rereading up to this point point I am beginning to think I am a looney person! Sounds like I have OCD or something. I don't know. I have to figure out a way to fix me. Any suggestions?

I really do already feel better getting some of this out. These are things and FEARS that I have held in for so long they were consuming my thinking all the time. I just want to be the BEST mother and the BEST person that I can be. That is the ONLY thing I want out of life at this point, just be the best and as positive as I can be. (How can I be positive with the fears I have that are so negative all the time)? I want to give the ones I love and care so much for everything I can possibly give them. On the same hand I don't want to be too controlling and I don't want to hold Bayleigh and the ones I love with such a tight fist that they don't know how to live and that they don't have the independence that is crucial for being respectful, functioning adults.

Fine lines: a term that was just used in a text from a good friend. They are bad for me because I clearly don't know which is the right side to be on. In todays world parents seem to be too controlling or not controlling enough. I, after 5 years, still have not figured out how to balance the two. And YES, this bothers me too. :)

Well, thanks for reading and giving me a chance to get this out. Now, I must get on with lunch. :) Please feel free to leave comments or emails or texts sharing your thoughts. Even if you do think I am looney, let me know. :)
Love,
Jenn

New Year's Resolutions? Really?!

Well fellow readers, I am blogging about a topic that have been undecided about blogging on and well, here it goes....I, Jennifer Marie Rutherford, had decided that I am making New Year's Resolutions! There, I said it. This is a big deal from me because I don't typically do so. I feel like N.Y.R's are nothing more than set ups to fail. And I typically would fail such resolutions MISERABLY! SO, here they go:

1. I am going to lose weight. Goal: 60 pounds by June 5th--which is the start of vacation.

2. I am going to be an all around healthier person. Info: I was watching the season premier of the Biggest Loser and when those poor people got on the scales for the initial weigh-ins and they were so shocked and I am sure embarrassed because this year, the first weigh-in was done in front of their whole community, and they were crying--I found myself crying too, as I walked on my new to me, but used treadmill for the first time ever because it hit me hard that THEY ARE ME! These people have let it be ok to be as big and unhealthy as they are, JUST LIKE ME! I don't want to make the impression on Bayleigh that being this big and unhealthy is ok. The fact of the matter is--I'm going to die. PERIOD!

3. I am going to be a more positive person. Info: I have to find the good and positive in most everything that drags me down because everything happens in life for a reason. I know that God has a plan for all of us, and I know that we do not know, nor are we meant to know what that plan is, but I have got to stop dwelling on the negatives in life and the what ifs and just live happily.

4. (and this is a big one), I am going to quit smoking again. Info: I have noticed that I pretty much have picked it up full time again and I must stop. Not only because of the healthier lifestyle, but because it's expensive, nasty, it stinks, I don't want Bayleigh ever thinking it's ok, and because quite frankly, there is no point. In 2004, I quit cold turkey--FOR 3 FULL YEARS! I got pregnant 3 days after I quit. I felt better and then I just started again. This time I am taking a different approach and I am weaning myself off. So far, it is working for me. I am down to only 3 per day or LESS! Which is good.

5. I am not going to use the words diet or dieting! Info: I feel that those two words come with so much pressure and I know it is all mind over matter, so those two words are out. My words are working out and eating right!

SO, these are my NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS! I know, to many they may not seem like much, but for me they are monumental.

I am fortunate enough to have a support system of wonderful friends and family. Larry has been absolutely amazing. He is helping by encouraging me to eat right and asks what I can or cannot have to eat. He knows that I won't workout in front of him so he takes Bayleigh upstairs while I use the wii at night. He has been so supportive and I need that from him. I need that from everyone. I have a good friend that is on the weight loss road with me and let me just say, that as weird as this sounds--it is so nice not being the only one in pain. :) (sorry Jenn)! She and I have the same wii game and the funniest thing is, we choose the same character to play us and the same trainer and had no clue. LOL! You know what they say, Great minds think alike! We are also counting points using the Weight Watchers program. I have to add here that at this point I am not walking around with the pressures of counting every single point. I am, as for now, just LEARNING to eat right and to eat healthy. Once I get that all figured out then it will be counting every point every day. It was nothing for me to only eat one time per day and let me tell you--as I am looking into my points books just to see what everything is, one sandwhich that I got from Denny's was 45 points! That is WAY more than I am even allowed a day! That doesn't include the Ranch dip and the smothered cheese fries and coke I enjoyed with it! SO, I am learning a lot. I am now eating 3 good meals per day with healthy snacks in between. Also, Kim is still working out and she and I talk or text in the evening and we ask if each other has worked out. Even she has hopped into our pain boat with the new exercise videos she is trying. Which happen to be by the other trainer that is on our wii Biggest Loser game. My mother is eating right and working out each night too. I can already see that she has lost some weight, but I am not sure how much. I am proud of her. Since we have lived as neighbors we have both been negative influences on each other and now we together have decided to take care of ourselves. Good job mom! SO GIRLS if you are reading! Keep up the good work! We CAN Do This!

I started my workout process on Sunday, January 3rd 2010 and as of tonight--1 week later. I am DOWN 7 POUNDS! Momma is very proud of herself and feel free my blogging buddies to leave comments on here or on Facebook or Myspace of encouragement and or discipline!

Thanks for Reading and Until Next time!
Jennifer

SNOW DAYS!

January 7th, 2010 proved to be a very fun day in the Rutherford home! It was the first really big snow day of the season! School was closed and most of Indiana was blanketed with 4-7 inches of snow. My day was easy because I only had two kids and Bayleigh, so I decided to bundle Bayleigh up just before her nap time let her play in the snow. SHE LOVED IT!

I felt comfortable "cutting the cord" a bit and allowing her to play in the fenced in back yard alone after I took a few pictures because I had to be in the house with the boys. Trent was still awake, but in the walker and Mason Man was fast asleep. I kept checking on Bayleigh every few minutes to make sure she was ok and in the process of me being in and out I kept playing phone tag with Melanie. I seen my mom pull up, but continued my conversation with Mel and I went to check on Bayleigh in the backyard and SHE WAS NOT THERE!!!! OMGosh! I panicked! I was kicking myself in the rear for allowing her to be out there and I was scared to death, but luckily, because she seen my mom pull up she opened the gate and went to the front door and let herself in. I am REALLY torn about this happening because in one aspect I think ok, I have this fenced in backyard and this child that REALLY is responsible and good and I really need to do things to show her my trust in her. Also, to add to that, we are fortunate enough to live in a quiet community where everyone watches out for everyone and things are quiet. There is NO way I would have even considered letting her go out alone like that in even Shelbyville. In the other aspect I think ok, she is still a child and maybe I shouldn't have done that. Well, once Larry got home and I told him of what happened, (which for the record: we all feel that she never would have left the gate had it not been for mom pulling up), he simply put the lock back on the gate and problem solved! Bayleigh can go out in the backyard and nobody can come in the backyard. :) (Yes, I did have nightmares that night too of what could have happened).

SO anyways, back onto the better memories from the day...As I sat watching the closings and reports from the weather all day, I noticed that WISH-TV Channel 8 had a website that you could upload your pictures of the snow. So, I had taken a few really good shots of Bayleigh playing in the snow and I thought, hummmm, I think I'll email them a picture. Up until this point I hadn't seen them show any pictures of people, just homes, neighborhoods, cars, birds, etc. I email the picture saying, "It might be messy outside, but my 5 year old Bayleigh sure thinks it tastes GREAT!"! Needless to say, I was watching the, hang with me here, I was watching the Ch 8 news on Ch 23 at 10 pm and at the end of the broadcast they ran a slideshow with pictures that viewers had sent in. BAYLEIGH'S PICTURE MADE IT ON TV! They said they had hundreds of pictures sent in and BAY'S MADE IT! I was SO proud to say the least! :) I then switched to the Ch 8 news on Ch 8 at 11 pm and they played it again! So AwEsOmE!

Ok, now on to the good part. Here are the pictures that I took. I know that I have put some of the same pictures twice, but I use this as sort of an online photo storage too, and I really wanted them on here. I was playing around with my editing program Larry bought for me awhile ago. Enjoy!

She had been crying because her swing "broke". It didn't break it just came unhooked at the top.

Red jelly on her tongue from lunch, not blood. LOL!

This was what she did most of her time out there!

THIS is the picture that made it on the news!

See MOM! I licked it all off!

A snow angel made by my snow angel!

She kept throwing snow up in the air and letting it fall on here. (Like it wasn't snowing hard enough!)

Not wet enough to make snow balls, but she sure tried!

HMMMMM! YUMMY!

There is something about this picture that I just adore.

She could see her breath!

I promise I fed this child lunch. :)

Just before the drama of the other swing coming unhooked!

Ugly Sweaters and a VERY Public Dinner!

Typically each year we celebrate Christmas with Larry's Brother and Sister in law on New Year's Eve and ring in the new year together. This year, because of work schedules we had to get together the 26th instead. So, Rachel and I come up with the bright idea of having it be an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party also! AND the kicker was--we HAD to go to a VERY public, always crowded place to eat--Grey's in Mooresville! (YUMMY), so we shop at Goodwill, but of course to find the perfect attire. Larry finds this AMAZING Sweater as well as these FLATTERING wind breaker pants to match and I find sweaters for Bayleigh, Tony, and myself to decorate. Larry and I knew right away we wanted lights on ours because lights are a sure fire way to win, right?! Yeah, we're cool like that. :) So, we go to Michaels and buy our lights and our decore to hot glue on. It was so much fun!
We get there and Larry wins hands down on this thing. I mean he had it all. If you notice how tight the pants are in the pictures--dying laughing let me tell ya! He couldn't even hardly sit in them! LOL! Boots--Yeah, they rocked too! Max and Rachel were right up there with him though. I have to hand it to them.
So we go out to dinner. The reaction from everyone was HILARIOUS! I mean, they wanted to stare and take it all in, but didn't want to stare because, well, that's rude of course! LOL! NOBODY could look us in the face. It was so funny! I can't wait for next year. I think the standards were set high this year, but we have plenty of time to work it all out!

Larry, Bayleigh, and I all have lights on, but you can't see them very well.

These Boots rocked too!

I made Tony's shirt with all of his kids and grandkids faces on snowmen! It was great!

Christmas 2009

As you may have noticed from the date on this blog, I am not very good at updating. LOL! A lot has been going on. Bayleigh has been out of school for 2 weeks. Our scheduling has been a bit messed up with the holidays and we have just been super busy. It's been fun though. I hope that all of you have had a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year. I hope that you find your self counting your blessings and enjoying 2010.

Christmas Eve we went to Kim and Steve's to celebrate with Larry's family. It is always nice just to hang out and have a small gift exchange and just be with everyone that comes. A few come from out of town that we are not able to see all the time. So, that makes the holidays that much more special. When we got home we already had Bayleigh in her jammies and she set out fudge and chocolate milk for Santa. As a tradition that has happened since her very first Christmas at the ripe old age of just a few weeks old, Larry reads The Night Before Christmas to her and we get her all tucked in her bed and she sleeps while we......"clean the house for Santa to come". :)

Christmas day here was a blast! My sister came over as did my mom. Larry's dad spent the night so he didn't have to wake up alone on Christmas morning. That has become a nice tradition too. Once Jessica got here mom came over and Jessica and I went upstairs to wake Bayleigh to let her know Santa had come! (I think I was more excited than she was)!

Bayleigh wanted a Zhu Zhu pet hamster from Santa and ended up with 6! Winkie, Mr. Squiggles, Scoodles, Chunk, Pip Squeek, and Num Nums. She also got the fun house, wheel, garage/car, a carrier, and blankets to go along with them. She LOVED them!!!! It was so great to see her face when she walked into the dining room. We all opened our gifts and then mom and Larry cooked a big breakfast and we watched the Disney parade. It was just nice. Relaxing. Fun to be with everyone. I love making memories like that. I am already looking forward to next Christmas! :)

Now, onto the fun part--the pictures!

Larry reading The Night before Christmas.

Bayleigh leaving fudge, candy, and chocolate milk for Santa.

The Zhu Zhu Pet Craziness! (Hottest ticket item of 2009) Go figure. We still have to find the slide, a dome looking thing, boat, surf board, and ball.

When she first came down.



She said, "I told you Santa would bring me more than 1!" Whew, Santa at school told her that she would get a bunch of surprizes!!! Yikes on that one! We only let Bayleigh ask Santa for one thing since there are so many kids in the world to take care of. :)

Her babies! Of course they have stickers saying to keep away from hair and the first thing that happened when she picked it up was get her hair caught in one of them!

This picture cracks me up. If you ever wanted to know, my MOST favorite sound in the world is Bayleigh's laughter! I LOVE it! She loves the line in this movie, "poop in his hand, poop in his hand"! She is definately Larry's child. LOL! Thank you papa Tony.

This is the children's book that Peyton Manning wrote with his father Archie Manning and brother Eli Manning. I thought that being HUGE Colts fans that this would be an appropriate gift.

This was the last gift that Bayleigh got and it came from Grammy. We left the cabin and stopped at Cracker Barrel in Plainfield I believe as we do every year. Well, Bayleigh and Larry walk out and she is so upset because she wanted this "chinchila". He told her no. He said that if she didn't get it for Christmas then we'd go back and get it. OH MY GOODNESS! That was NOT happening. She wanted it so bad and she was so upset the rest of the trip home. I felt so bad for her. Larry and I desperately needed to finish shopping so after returning home we left her with my mom and our first stop was Cracker Barrel to get this "chinchila" which happens to be a Bush Baby--Never heard of it. I owed mom some money for other things she picked up for me so we took this out in even trade. Bayleigh thought it was over and we were getting ready to eat when mom busted it out. She was SO happy! :)