I am depressed...And Walking away....

It's true. That title pretty well describes me at this point. I think that it is finally to the point that I am going to seek out professional help, whether it be anxiety medication or counseling. I don't know. This blog is probably going to upset the right people if they read it and I thought long and hard about not writing it to spare their feelings and then I thought to myself that that is not fair. It seems that they get to say what they want and have no regard for my feelings what so ever and this is MY blog. This is MY way of getting some things out that make me extremely happy, sad, funny, depressing, just anything of how I am feeling.

It's no secret that my sister and I do not have a sister relationship. It's not all one sided either--we both are at fault for that, but I feel like for a long time I tried to make it work and I tried to be there for her and it didn't work. Maybe she tried too and it didn't work for her either. I don't know, maybe I missed it when I shouldn't have.
We are sisters in the sense that we share the same mother, heck even the same birthday for that, we share the same family members, and we look just alike--well, not that we have grown and I let myself go and she did not, but you get my point. I feel that is all we have for being sisters. We don't talk to find out how each others days are going. She doesn't call to see how her niece is doing. Nor do I call to tell her. We don't help each other thru crisis or share enjoyments together. We just don't. I wanted that for a very long time. I basically wanted it more for Bayleigh and I wanted her to be more involved with her, but life happens and it just doesn't. I understand that. Now, don't think for 2 seconds that I am saying she doesn't love Bayleigh because I am sure she does, so don't think that.

This past week. I was upset with somethings that happened and her "sister" Jenn M. was once again put over me. It has been that way since the later part of our high school career. Jenn said some mean things on my facebook account that made even me wonder if they were true.
She said that I throw Jessica under the bus every chance I get. I have never put Jessica at the top of my list, but get upset when she doesn't put me on her list. She also said that I am stuck in high school and immature. She said that I sit around this house all day and think of what I can do and say to hurt other people.
The reason that I wondered if they were true is because people do things that they are not even aware that they are doing until it's done. That's just human of us. As I sit here right now, I just don't think they are true.
I have tried to be there for Jessica MANY times. Jenn M. was just always put over me. I wasn't allowed to be there for her because Jessica wouldn't let me. I have NO clue what she is talking about with me throwing Jessica under the bus every chance I get or that I have never put Jessica at the top of my list. I asked her in a response on there to name the times and she did not. (my guess is because she can't). This may seem right now that I am throwing Jessica under the bus and I AM NOT. I am simply using my blog to get some things out that I need to get out. If I email or write Jess to express myself then it could be taken or read the wrong way. Calling her will lead to denials and not really hearing my thoughts. So, I just want to get it out here. I only know of one friend that reads this blog on a regular basis and I've already confided in her so she already knows my thoughts, so I am basically doing this for me.

I said some really mean things to Jenn M. in response to her trash she wrote on my page and I later apologized to her for saying them because I was ashamed that I got so publicly upset and the things that were said should have been said in private messages and not for the whole facebook community to read. I have since deleted it because it wasn't anyones business. Even though I deleted it I still stand by the things that I said as far as not doing what I was accused of and even some of the other things I wrote too in defense to myself. Jessica didn't even defend me or my character and then it hit me upside the head like a ton of bricks that that is probably because that's how she feels about me too. Her "sister" Jenn M. doesn't know me. She doesn't know the person that I am. So the judgment of my chacter more likely than not came from things that Jessica has told her in times of anger toward me or even just casual conversation about me. I don't know. That is just my guess. I might be wrong.

I think that what is best for me right now is to walk away. I think that I am eventually going to get in the stride in this walking away, to walk from a lot more, but for now--I'm going to start with Facebook. I will not be logging into facebook on a regualar basis anymore. This isn't me saying that forever because I LOVE the fact that I can share exciting things with my family and friends and I LOVE the fact that I can show pictures off of Bayleigh to family that live away and friends that also care to see her grow, but live away from us. It also gives me a chance to use the Internet as an online storage of some of my most cherished photos too.

I have been thinking about my "list" that I have of people I care so much about. This list is LONG too I will just say that and if you are reading this blog then clearly you are on that list. My list has Bayleigh in the number 1 spot and then Larry and myself tied in the number 2 spot. I just, right now as I am writing this, put me in the tied position of #2 with Larry because I don't think I even had me on the list to begin with and I am going to fix that as of now. Hence me blogging this to help myself. In order to help me I have to love or at least care about me so I am doing that now. Those are the two spots I am going to focus on at this moment in my life. I am going to put all of my efforts into Bayleigh, Larry, and then myself. I know that this is probably reading as me being VERY selfish and I don't mean for that to be happening. It's just, Bayleigh and Larry are my two constants. They are there. They love me, and I mean REALLY love me, unconditionally. We might not always agree and we might have our spats from time to time, but we always work through it. I find that they are who I actually want to work through it with. Some others on my list--while they are on the list because I love them and/or care for them, I think that if things don't work out then OK. I will have to find a way to come to terms with that at another time. I have to focus on my #1 and #2 spots at this point. When I am angry or upset, I find myself taking it out on them, (unintentionally), or dragging them down emotionally as well. Even though Bayleigh is 5 she still knows when I am upset and I don't want her to. I want her to enjoy her youth. I want her to be happy. I want to make her happy.
Now don't think that I am forgetting the #3 spot and down because I am not in any way shape or form doing that. I am simply saying that I have to focus on my immediate family right now. I have to get myself in a place where I can honestly be happy and when I am stressed out over people that say and do things that cut me down or hurt me then I am not being fair to me or Larry or Bayleigh. I will not let that continue anymore. I can't. Larry would not do that to me and Bayleigh would not either so I can't do it to them.

I almost feel like my life is in a spiral downwards. My mom is upset and I can't fix that. I hate so badly that I can't fix that either. I know she is just upset with things out of her control and I need to remember that it's not me. (I don't think) I had a "fight", I think, with Larry's aunt on facebook a while back, my cousin deleted me off his facebook friends list and I didn't do anything to him, and I feel like I am just not in a good place right now. Notice facebook is the center of all I am discussing tonight??? This is exactly why I need to walk away from it.

I WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME! Larry tells me this on a weekly basis. He is probably to the point of wanting to record it just so that he doesn't have to say it again. I can say that it doesn't bother me what others think, but deep down--it does. It does big time. Even when I try to let it not bother me. It does.
I feel like I TRULY try to please everyone. If I think I have hurt someone or upset someone it bothers me to no end. I always want to fix whatever. I have to learn that I can't. In this life, people simply are not going to like other people. There might not even be a reason for it. I have to accept that and forget about it.

This blog has turned out to be quite the lengthy blog so I will go ahead and close for now. I really do hope that if the "right" people read this and get upset about it that they have read it with an open heart and an open mind and will not be upset, but rather just understand where I am coming from and maybe even one day want to fix it, but if not then...well, just then....
On the plus side, I thought at the beginning that I might need to seek professional help, but I already feel so much relief just from being 100% open and honest on here that at this time I feel I might not need that help. :)

Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment and give me your opinions.
Much Love,
Jennifer

Baseball Practice Pictures!

Here are some pictures from Bayleigh's second practice. 4.28.10

Kindergarten and Baseball!

Not too much is going on right now. Bayleigh is almost done with her second year of preschool and she will start Kindergarten in August. She had K round up and screening these last two weeks and is very ready to go. I am not too thrilled with some of the kids she will be going to school with mostly bc I remember how mean some of the parents were to me in school and how 1 in particular still runs her mouth about me. Oh well, I have to suck it up and just deal with it. I will raise Bayleigh to over look such things, (I hope it works), I have come to the conclusion that it's just life, whatever. I have a good kid. She is a great person and I know that others will see that just as well.

Little league is starting and Bayleigh will be on the Waldron Home Health and Rehab team. She's had her first practice and will have her first game in May. She loves it already. If you are interested in seeing her play just let me know and I will let you know the schedule as soon as I get it. ;)

Hope this blog finds all of you doing well. Here are just a few pictures before I close. Thanks for checking in on us.
Love,
Jenn

Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction

As I mentioned in my previous post I am here now to go into further detail about Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction which happens to be the cause of my "medical mysteries". LOL! Honestly, it's no laughing matter. I have dealt with is pain very sporatically throughout the last couple years. I knew that when I drank alcohol that I would indeed be suffering in no time and just at different times. The alcohol was the one factor that I actually could pinpoint the attack. So, I just didn't drink.
Starting in January of this year I decided that I was going to lose weight. I wanted to eat right, exercise, and just take better care of myself in general. One night we had pizza and by 1 a.m. I was needing to go to the E.R. I didn't go then. Then, Saturday, February 13th Larry and I had a date and ate steak and I had a very small margarita. Well, that was the end of that. I was sent into a major attack and had no choice but to go to the E.R. I show up there around 1:30 on Valentine's morning and I thought, and the E.R. also thought that I was having a gallbladder attack. I was quickly given an I.V. with mophine for pain--which kicked the attack into higher gear, (even though I didn't think it was possible). I was a mess. Anyways, I ended up getting the pain under control and having a CT scan. I was sent home with pain meds and told to follow up with my family doctor. Ha! I didn't even have a family doctor! So, I go into see Dr. Peters and he agreed to be my family doctor. He too thought that I was having gallbladder attacks, but sent me to see a specialist anyways.
So, I go see Dr. Mokeba, (I think that's how it's spelled), VERY nice lady I liked her SO much and I am telling her exactly what's going on and as soon as I said alcohol she said, Sphincter of Oddi. I was like WHAT?! So, she decides that I need to go over to IU and have surgery to cut the Sphincter of Oddi because what is happening is this--Your gallbladder and your pancreas produce bile and that bile goes out a duct into the Sphincter of Oddi and into the small intestines. Well, Oddi is having spasms and not letting the bile out and it is backing up into my pancreas causing these attacks. As I am investigating this on my own I learn that you cannot take anything MOPHINE BASED, hence the escalating attack at the E.R.....and that this surgery is a very big deal. Dr. Mokeba even told me that this is the type of surgery that every since surgeon that performs it NEVER wants to do it again. Also investigating it I learned that there is a hospital stay of 4-5 days too. (Yeah, I have so much time and money for that).
Prior to the surgery Dr. M wanted to do an endoscopy to double check my stomach to make sure that it was ok. She had to do this bc if she would send me to IU and something was wrong with my belly it would come back on her. I get it. No big deal. I did the endoscopy on Friday. She did find that I had a spot in my stomach that is "pitted like a strawberry". IDK what that means. I was out of it from being knocked out. Anyways she ended up pulling part of it for a biopsy and I should get that back in 2 weeks and then it is onto the big surgery.
We are going on vacation in June so I am going to wait until I get home from that, but this is most definately something I cannot not do. Sunday, just a couple days ago, I had the worst attack I have ever had. I simply cannot keep doing this.

The part that sucks the most is that 1. I am going to have to be away from Bayleigh. 2. I am putting so many people out. My moms rely on me to be here everyday and my babies need me to be here for them. I hate the thought of having to take a few days off. The thought makes me sick to be perfectly honest. I have to admit that my moms are wonderful and understanding and I am sure we will get me thru this together. I worry about Melanie bc she is going thru so much right now too. IDK, I just don't see this healing on it's own anytime soon. :(

I guess we will just have to see what the endoscopy comes back as and see where the road leads. Wish me luck. Thanks for reading!
Jenn

Scratch That Scratch That!

SO! A lot has been happening, but lets start with this one...the last blog about not getting the Suburban from the blog before that...well, we did get it after all!!! I am very happy to say the least! It had some problems on the back end with the paint, but it is now fixed and we are the proud owners!!! Yeah for us getting out of the explorer!!!!

Also, I am not going to go into details tonight, but I have figured out what has been up with me medically and it is not my gallbladder as originally thought. It is actually my pancreas--actually Sphincter of Oddi Disfunction (S.O.D) to be exact. I'll explain in greater detail soon.

Thank you for your prayers and for checking in on us. Sorry this is so vague tonight, but momma's tired. :)
Jenn

Scratch That....

So, the previous blog with the pretty pictures of the Suburban--Scratch that. We are not getting it due to a bad spot on the back. I am SUPER bummed, but hey--what can you do.

A Lot to Catch up on

Wow, It seems like it has been years since I have sat down to blog. I've missed it, but have simply been too busy to do it.

So much has been going on. First let me say that everyone here is doing well. Bayleigh is doing great with her glasses--even though after 2 weeks we had to get a new pair because her and I were playing in the hotel room and she fell on her face on the bed and they broke. :( She blames me 100%, but whatever.
Larry has been kind of promoted at work. Starting in June he will not only do delivery, but he will also do service in the afternoon. It kind of sucks because he will have to stay at work all day, but the fact of the matter is that he is 31 years old and cannot handle those tanks and bags of salt for the rest of his life. Culligan has been amazing to him and to us. They recognize his hard work and let him know that which is not always done by employers.
I on the other hand have been having issues. Sunday, February 14th about 1 a.m. I ended up in the ER with SEVERE abdominal pain. Since then I have have had many attacks and doctors appointments. I am taking Oxycodone which sucks because it knocks me out and I am pretty much useless, but it is the only thing that controls the pain. I see the specialist on the 17th of this month. Dr. Peters said that he really believes it is my gallbladder. I had a HIDA Scan which turned out like this. The lady at the hospital told me that between 30-60 is normal on the scan. Anything below that would mean that my GB isn't functioning or at least not all the way. My reading was 91.8. When I asked what that meant she said that I have what is considered a "super squeezer" that would more than likely be controled with medication. Well, Dr. Peters still says GB, but that if he sends me to a surgeon with that HIDA Scan they will send me away wasting my time and money, so we are going to the specialist and going from there. Hopefully we can get this figured out and relief will be on the way soon.

Larry and I are in the process of trying to purchase a new to us truck. My Explorer has been such a pain in the rear. I am DONE with FORD! We supposidly have a 2003--two yrs older than we hoped--Chevy Suburban on the way. We were having trouble finding one in our price range with everything we needed. Then the guy helping us found this 2003 and it is fully loaded and it really is pretty. It's got 3rd row seating, leather, HEATED leather, sun roof, 4WD, DVD, Power seats, Power pedals, it's really nice. Below are some pictures of it. Let's just hope that nothing goes wrong and we have it here NO later than the end of next week. Larry is getting frustrated--as am I, but we know that shipping can be a pain so we are just hanging in there.

Thanks for checking on us! Enjoy this wonderful weather we are having and until next time!
Love,
Jenn

YOU CAN SEE THE DVD PLAYER BEHIND THE SUNROOF ON THE RIGHT.

SOME OF THE BUTTONS ON THE RADIO SHOW WEAR, BUT IT'S TO BE EXPECTED I GUESS.

LOOK AT THAT ROOM BEHIND THE 3RD ROW!!!!!