Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Volleyball
Bayleigh had her first two volleyball games tonight. She's sporty spice! Love watching her play! They lost their first game but won the second.
Update
Things in our home are going well. Other than a bout with Strep Throat that I am dealing with now. Our schedules are back to being jam packed with Good News Club, Basketball, Volleyball, Church, and Gymnastics. Last night Bayleigh had her first basketball game. It was a double header. Her team, The Teal Team, won both of their games. I believe by two points for both games, but I might be wrong about that.
Here are a couple of videos of her scoring last night! She made 4 baskets total.
Here are a couple of videos of her scoring last night! She made 4 baskets total.
Monday, February 11, 2013
A Valentine for Daddy!
Bayleigh made this in school for her daddy. Think he will figure out his "edd mirer"? Too cute!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
I Hate My Life...Jesus Calling!
As I write this post through the tears pouring down my cheeks, I am absolutely moved. We truly are so very blessed to live a life that God is guiding. He is amazing, wonderful, loving, forgiving, funny, inspiring, perfect in every way.
This morning, was TERRIBLE! Not only for me, but for Bayleigh as well. We argued before she went to school because she was not getting ready while I was packing her lunch. Every morning is a struggle around here to keep Bayleigh on task to get ready for school, but her sassy mouth just sent me over the edge. After I told her that if she didn't get her mess cleaned up off the table from the night before, I was going to throw it away--mind you, it was just paper and some dollar store paint, she started crying and stomping around the house, repeating, I HATE MY LIFE! That broke me. It literally ripped me apart and I could do nothing, but cry. I live my life for my daughter. She is the reason for my every breath. In this life, the only thing I hope to get right is raising her. I never felt more of a failure than I did at that moment. I still, can't get the sting of those words to go away and it's been 2 hours.
I did tell Bayleigh that I love her as she walked out the door, which made her cry again, so I brought her back in the house and hugged her tight and told her I wanted her to have a good day. My very best friend happens to be one of her teachers at school and she texted me to let me know that Bayleigh was still crying when she got off the bus, but she comforted her by encouraging her to pray about it and reminded her that I do love her and gave her a hug to hold on to during the day until she could come home and give me a hug. I am so blessed with having her as a BEST friend. (I LOVE YOU FRIEND)!
I too turned to prayer because it was all I knew to do. I almost immediately "heard" the instructions to read my devotions for the day. So, that is what I instantly did. One of my really good friends bought me the book of devotions, for my birthday, by Sarah Young called Jesus Calling for my kindle. (Click on the picture to purchase yourself a copy).
This morning, was TERRIBLE! Not only for me, but for Bayleigh as well. We argued before she went to school because she was not getting ready while I was packing her lunch. Every morning is a struggle around here to keep Bayleigh on task to get ready for school, but her sassy mouth just sent me over the edge. After I told her that if she didn't get her mess cleaned up off the table from the night before, I was going to throw it away--mind you, it was just paper and some dollar store paint, she started crying and stomping around the house, repeating, I HATE MY LIFE! That broke me. It literally ripped me apart and I could do nothing, but cry. I live my life for my daughter. She is the reason for my every breath. In this life, the only thing I hope to get right is raising her. I never felt more of a failure than I did at that moment. I still, can't get the sting of those words to go away and it's been 2 hours.
I did tell Bayleigh that I love her as she walked out the door, which made her cry again, so I brought her back in the house and hugged her tight and told her I wanted her to have a good day. My very best friend happens to be one of her teachers at school and she texted me to let me know that Bayleigh was still crying when she got off the bus, but she comforted her by encouraging her to pray about it and reminded her that I do love her and gave her a hug to hold on to during the day until she could come home and give me a hug. I am so blessed with having her as a BEST friend. (I LOVE YOU FRIEND)!
I too turned to prayer because it was all I knew to do. I almost immediately "heard" the instructions to read my devotions for the day. So, that is what I instantly did. One of my really good friends bought me the book of devotions, for my birthday, by Sarah Young called Jesus Calling for my kindle. (Click on the picture to purchase yourself a copy).
When I read the devotions for the day I was bawling like a baby. God knew, because he always knows, that this is what was going to happen and that this is what I needed. I was crying because he is so wonderful. What have I done in my life to deserve the love that he provides? Nothing. The answer to that question is nothing, but yet he still loves. He still provides. If that isn't humbling then I don't know what is.
Here is the devotions for the day. I guess this would be called an excerpt from the book. I am not sure if this is legal or not so I will also link both of the following pictures to Amazon's website so that you may purchase a copy of the book for yourself. One will be the Kindle edition, just like the above picture and the second will be the hard copy of the book.
After reading today's I think you will understand exactly why I was so moved. (You might have to click on each one of the pictures to make them bigger so you can read them).
If this wasn't our God loving me, an awesomely flawed, child of his, then I don't know what is. I am, we are, so lucky. So loved!
If you do not want to order from Amazon I did buy a hard copy of the book at Wal-Mart last month for $14.99. I don't know how long they will carry the book for though and as you can see, it is way cheaper to buy it from Amazon.com.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
What's Important...
This morning, 1.30.13, we were woken up by our town's tornado sirens blaring! We knew going to bed that it was to be a stormy night.
I turned on the TV to see if it was our end of the county that needed to be warned and it certainly was!
Larry told me not to wake Bayleigh and I questioned if he was just going to carry her down and he said yes, but he was not as concerned as I was so I went on a head and woke her. I handed her some shoes and told her to go to the living room and then I went back to my room to grab a flashlight for her in the event that we lost power.
She was only near the bottom of the steps as I headed down and then we met in the living room. I saw she was sitting there with her shoes on and her arms full of stuffed animals and when I looked at her puzzled she said, mommy, I grabbed these 3 stuffed animals because they are important--papa Reynolds gave them to me. You might ask what's so important about that? Well, today would have been papa's 92nd birthday! Without knowing the significance of the date she took it upon herself to grab those 3 stuffed animals with that exact reasoning. I'm pretty sure we know who's spirit was behind that!
We love you papa and miss you everyday! Happy Birthday!
I turned on the TV to see if it was our end of the county that needed to be warned and it certainly was!
Larry told me not to wake Bayleigh and I questioned if he was just going to carry her down and he said yes, but he was not as concerned as I was so I went on a head and woke her. I handed her some shoes and told her to go to the living room and then I went back to my room to grab a flashlight for her in the event that we lost power.
She was only near the bottom of the steps as I headed down and then we met in the living room. I saw she was sitting there with her shoes on and her arms full of stuffed animals and when I looked at her puzzled she said, mommy, I grabbed these 3 stuffed animals because they are important--papa Reynolds gave them to me. You might ask what's so important about that? Well, today would have been papa's 92nd birthday! Without knowing the significance of the date she took it upon herself to grab those 3 stuffed animals with that exact reasoning. I'm pretty sure we know who's spirit was behind that!
We love you papa and miss you everyday! Happy Birthday!
Monday, January 28, 2013
I am complicated...
Did I seriously just admit that I am complicated? I believe I did. This is a very personal post. I am not even sure that it will stay up long, but right now...I need a release. I feel like I am slipping into being depressed and I feel like I just need to get my feelings out without crying to my friends and dragging them down with my pain.
I used to be the type of person that felt like I needed to have numerous friends. I didn't want anyone--whether they knew me or not to be mad at me or judge me or not like me at all. I feel like, now that I am 31 years old that all of that has changed. Due to this change, I have been judged. I have even been called the "B" word, but I am SLOOOOWLY learning, that's ok. I don't try to hurt others and I don't try to be the "B" word, but I feel like that's all I do and all I am. The sad part--I don't really think I care. :/ Is that bad?
As I get older, I am learning that quantity is nothing compared to quality and therefore, some people that used to be a huge part of my life are dropping off like flies. And the sad part--I don't really think I care. :/ Is that bad?
I get tired of everyone claiming to be victims of me. Really, if I am that bad of a person, then why do you care if I am in your life or not? When I FINALLY decide to be done with people of my past, I am done. If I am such a mean and rude person then why wouldn't you want me to be done with you? This results in me being judged. SHOCKER! People are going to talk about me whether I am done with them or not, so why wouldn't I leave? Let them talk with me gone, but let me prove that I can hold onto my little self-respect that I have. Is that bad?
If I try to talk things out or be honest with my feelings then I am called names. I have even been accused of thinking I am Little Miss Perfect--UH, that's the farthest thing from the truth! That happened a while ago, but it stung, and it has stuck with me. That's the problem with words--they are easily forgiven--which those have been, but not easily forgotten, which I am pretty sure they never will be. Yes, reading this post, those words seem harmless, but of course the details of all of that drama are being left out. Not because I have anything to hide, because I certainly don't, it's just that again, those have been forgiven so I am not going to open that can of worms again.
Over the years, I have built these walls around myself and around my heart. I am slow to even hold a simple conversation with anyone because I don't know what they have been told about me and what their judgments based on what they have already heard are. A smile is about all I am good at giving and even then it's hard to look the person in the eye. It's not that I am a rude person, but I, and I express the "I" in that, don't think I am a rude person. I have just found that it is much easier now to say Goodbye than it is to say Hello. If I say Hello, then I am inviting that person in--letting people in, gets you hurt--so why do it?! Is that bad?
Pretty sure this post, is basically telling me--I am more than likely going to die one very lonely person and again, I really don't think I care. :/ Is that bad?
I have a very limited number of people in my life that I trust. I have a very limited number of people in my life that am willing to open up to. I tried to open up, not long ago, that got me NOWHERE. I got a defense for someone that the openness really had nothing to do with in the first place, which really started this whole--sadness, for lack of a better word. I guess the defense ended up being a real eye opener on just how tall these walls around me have become and that proof came from the lack of hurt from it all. Where I should have been crushed, this time I was seriously like, screw it--I am done and it came so easily. I really don't think that is bad.
I feel like those that love me, REALLY LOVE me and those that don't, heck those that don't even like me, REALLY DON'T.
I REALLY LOVE those in return. Those very few are my rocks in this very difficult world.
I guess this whole blog kinda stemmed from wondering to myself if there is something wrong with me that I feel like I have just so easily turned off my caring button in those other relationships. NOW, DO NOT GET ME WRONG--I care about people. I care about those people. I love people. I love those people. I honestly want nothing but the best and happiness for people, including those from my past, it's just that I am so sick of feeling like they are victims of ME and I am over it. They think I am so rude, judgemental, and cold hearted, then I think they really honestly do not know me in the least little way and after all of this time--they should, so I am kinda done wasting my time. Is that bad? I kinda don't think it is. They might not like me being done wasting my time, but heck they are talking now, so I am sure this decision just gives them something else to talk about. (Looks like they are a victim of Jennifer again). Darn.
I feel like I am in constant prayer over these decisions and I feel like this is the way I am being lead. I feel like, without sounding like a pity party, that these relationships can easily be made up elsewhere in these people's lives, so I think that maybe they should for the benefit of all involved. I might be wrong, but I feel like this is where it is going.
If I put my all into the quantity that I have left and they put their all in the quantity they have then everyone is full. Everyone is happy and there will be no more victims of "the B word Jennifer". Win/Win!
Except with my win, comes a void. Remember me saying before that I don't try to hurt people? I really don't, so therefore, my void comes unfairly because even though I do seem to hurt those I love, I honestly don't mean to, buuuuuuut I get the satisfaction of knowing that I won't be their excuse to their pain, so that is a good thing for them. That's the best I can give them, but I am the one left with the voids that can't be filled, but you know what, that's OK because I am not a breakable person, even when I am...and in order to live the rest of my life without hurting those I love the most, then this is how it probably should be.
**I wrote this blog last week and never published it because I thought, maybe I am reading more into people and not giving them the benefit of the doubt. It felt good to just have the words written and it was a good release. Then something else this weekend happened and I quickly realized, I AM right! There ARE people in my life that continuously say they are victims of me! I am so sick of it!
This weekend, after church, my mother asked if she could take Bayleigh to Kroger with her. I told her no because Larry was picking us up and Bayleigh and I go to the grocery store every single Sunday together. It's our thing. Well, after Larry told Bayleigh we could go to lunch I called mom to invite her. I invited her twice because we changed our mind as to where we were going. She declined both times. After we got home, I invited her to eat dinner with us. She again declined. So I sent her a text telling her I had the feeling she was upset because I wouldn't let Bayleigh go to Kroger. She responded that she wasn't upset with anyone, but get this--she actually accused me of punishing her for her happiness with her boyfriend by keeping Bayleigh away from her!!! AND, she said she expected it! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THIS, this right here is EXACTLY why I do not trust people! THIS is why I have walls!
I am so beyond done with being the enemy and the devil in people's lives. Just because I wanted to be with my daughter and do our Sunday routine, I am punishing my own mother--and she expected it?!
I am hurt. I am angry. I really don't even know what to say, other than I am sick of it! So, if you read this blog and feel the need to only assume the worst in me, then don't read my blog. Don't dial my number. And don't talk about me. Just be done with me if that's how it's going to be. Because regardless of what you might think, when people accuse me wrongly and portray me to be a monster--it hurts!
If you love me for the PERSON that I really am--I love you too and appreciate you being a part of my life!
Love,
Jenn
I used to be the type of person that felt like I needed to have numerous friends. I didn't want anyone--whether they knew me or not to be mad at me or judge me or not like me at all. I feel like, now that I am 31 years old that all of that has changed. Due to this change, I have been judged. I have even been called the "B" word, but I am SLOOOOWLY learning, that's ok. I don't try to hurt others and I don't try to be the "B" word, but I feel like that's all I do and all I am. The sad part--I don't really think I care. :/ Is that bad?
As I get older, I am learning that quantity is nothing compared to quality and therefore, some people that used to be a huge part of my life are dropping off like flies. And the sad part--I don't really think I care. :/ Is that bad?
I get tired of everyone claiming to be victims of me. Really, if I am that bad of a person, then why do you care if I am in your life or not? When I FINALLY decide to be done with people of my past, I am done. If I am such a mean and rude person then why wouldn't you want me to be done with you? This results in me being judged. SHOCKER! People are going to talk about me whether I am done with them or not, so why wouldn't I leave? Let them talk with me gone, but let me prove that I can hold onto my little self-respect that I have. Is that bad?
If I try to talk things out or be honest with my feelings then I am called names. I have even been accused of thinking I am Little Miss Perfect--UH, that's the farthest thing from the truth! That happened a while ago, but it stung, and it has stuck with me. That's the problem with words--they are easily forgiven--which those have been, but not easily forgotten, which I am pretty sure they never will be. Yes, reading this post, those words seem harmless, but of course the details of all of that drama are being left out. Not because I have anything to hide, because I certainly don't, it's just that again, those have been forgiven so I am not going to open that can of worms again.
Over the years, I have built these walls around myself and around my heart. I am slow to even hold a simple conversation with anyone because I don't know what they have been told about me and what their judgments based on what they have already heard are. A smile is about all I am good at giving and even then it's hard to look the person in the eye. It's not that I am a rude person, but I, and I express the "I" in that, don't think I am a rude person. I have just found that it is much easier now to say Goodbye than it is to say Hello. If I say Hello, then I am inviting that person in--letting people in, gets you hurt--so why do it?! Is that bad?
Pretty sure this post, is basically telling me--I am more than likely going to die one very lonely person and again, I really don't think I care. :/ Is that bad?
I have a very limited number of people in my life that I trust. I have a very limited number of people in my life that am willing to open up to. I tried to open up, not long ago, that got me NOWHERE. I got a defense for someone that the openness really had nothing to do with in the first place, which really started this whole--sadness, for lack of a better word. I guess the defense ended up being a real eye opener on just how tall these walls around me have become and that proof came from the lack of hurt from it all. Where I should have been crushed, this time I was seriously like, screw it--I am done and it came so easily. I really don't think that is bad.
I feel like those that love me, REALLY LOVE me and those that don't, heck those that don't even like me, REALLY DON'T.
I REALLY LOVE those in return. Those very few are my rocks in this very difficult world.
I guess this whole blog kinda stemmed from wondering to myself if there is something wrong with me that I feel like I have just so easily turned off my caring button in those other relationships. NOW, DO NOT GET ME WRONG--I care about people. I care about those people. I love people. I love those people. I honestly want nothing but the best and happiness for people, including those from my past, it's just that I am so sick of feeling like they are victims of ME and I am over it. They think I am so rude, judgemental, and cold hearted, then I think they really honestly do not know me in the least little way and after all of this time--they should, so I am kinda done wasting my time. Is that bad? I kinda don't think it is. They might not like me being done wasting my time, but heck they are talking now, so I am sure this decision just gives them something else to talk about. (Looks like they are a victim of Jennifer again). Darn.
I feel like I am in constant prayer over these decisions and I feel like this is the way I am being lead. I feel like, without sounding like a pity party, that these relationships can easily be made up elsewhere in these people's lives, so I think that maybe they should for the benefit of all involved. I might be wrong, but I feel like this is where it is going.
If I put my all into the quantity that I have left and they put their all in the quantity they have then everyone is full. Everyone is happy and there will be no more victims of "the B word Jennifer". Win/Win!
Except with my win, comes a void. Remember me saying before that I don't try to hurt people? I really don't, so therefore, my void comes unfairly because even though I do seem to hurt those I love, I honestly don't mean to, buuuuuuut I get the satisfaction of knowing that I won't be their excuse to their pain, so that is a good thing for them. That's the best I can give them, but I am the one left with the voids that can't be filled, but you know what, that's OK because I am not a breakable person, even when I am...and in order to live the rest of my life without hurting those I love the most, then this is how it probably should be.
**I wrote this blog last week and never published it because I thought, maybe I am reading more into people and not giving them the benefit of the doubt. It felt good to just have the words written and it was a good release. Then something else this weekend happened and I quickly realized, I AM right! There ARE people in my life that continuously say they are victims of me! I am so sick of it!
This weekend, after church, my mother asked if she could take Bayleigh to Kroger with her. I told her no because Larry was picking us up and Bayleigh and I go to the grocery store every single Sunday together. It's our thing. Well, after Larry told Bayleigh we could go to lunch I called mom to invite her. I invited her twice because we changed our mind as to where we were going. She declined both times. After we got home, I invited her to eat dinner with us. She again declined. So I sent her a text telling her I had the feeling she was upset because I wouldn't let Bayleigh go to Kroger. She responded that she wasn't upset with anyone, but get this--she actually accused me of punishing her for her happiness with her boyfriend by keeping Bayleigh away from her!!! AND, she said she expected it! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THIS, this right here is EXACTLY why I do not trust people! THIS is why I have walls!
I am so beyond done with being the enemy and the devil in people's lives. Just because I wanted to be with my daughter and do our Sunday routine, I am punishing my own mother--and she expected it?!
I am hurt. I am angry. I really don't even know what to say, other than I am sick of it! So, if you read this blog and feel the need to only assume the worst in me, then don't read my blog. Don't dial my number. And don't talk about me. Just be done with me if that's how it's going to be. Because regardless of what you might think, when people accuse me wrongly and portray me to be a monster--it hurts!
If you love me for the PERSON that I really am--I love you too and appreciate you being a part of my life!
Love,
Jenn
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